Ines Vuckovic/Dose

Because I need a precise unit of measure for how many tacos I ate last night.

When I was first learning units of measure in elementary school, our teacher had us build a measurement man out of construction paper. He looked something like this:

As I grew up, I often thought of measurement man when baking or grocery shopping for liquids. He did not come in handy, however, when I needed to figure out more…nuanced units. Like what does it mean when my friend says she has a “shitload of work to do”? And how does that compare to my sister’s “fuckton of student loans”? Alas, my construction-paper pal had no answers for me.

So I turned to the internet, where a Reddit post on r/shittyaskscience offered this complete breakdown, from a delicate little buttload all the way to a big fat fuckton:

buttload * 10 = 1 butt ton
butt ton * 10 = 1 assload
assload * 10 = 1 asston
asston * 10 = 1 shitload
shitload * 10 = 1 shitton
shitton * 10 = 1 fuckload
fuckload * 10 = 1 fuckton

I know what you’re thinking: “This doesn’t make any sense to me! I’m from the UK!” Have no fear, commenter DiggSucksNow clarified for users of the metric system:

10 shitloads per metric fuckton. In English measurements, it’s about 66/7 shitloads per fuckton. Most people prefer to use metric.

If you’re not familiar with this conversion system, there’s no need to be embarrassed. Only teenage boys read reddit. Luckily, this very important info has been brought to the masses thanks to our old pal Google. If you search for “fuckton” or “define fuckton” in Google’s search bar, you’ll see something like this:

Now it’s only a matter of time before they’re teaching these conversions in schools, with children building construction paper figures that have shittons for fingers and assloads for feet. It’s a brave new world out there, folks.