This Creepy Face Mask Lets You Have Private Conversations In Public

No ? more ? personal ? conversations ? on ? the ? train.

How terrified would you be if you saw Bane chilling at your local café? I, for one, would be peeing myself — and possibly turned on. Don’t judge!

Well, fortunately — or I guess, to some, unfortunately — that coffee lover is indeed just a coffee lover who happens to be having a secretive conversation using a gadget called Hushme. What is this spy gear, you ask? It bills itself as a “personal acoustic device” that “protects speech privacy in open space environments.” In other words, it keeps people from hearing what you’re saying. The product is still in development — its Indiegogo campaign raised 100% of its funding goals last month. If you make a $189 contribution, its creators (who are from Ukraine) will send you a Hushme by December. It will reportedly retail for $249. You may be thinking, “I don’t give a damn who listens to my conversations.” Let me explain a few things you could do with this device.

Exhibit A: Sitting across from you on your train commute to work you spot a hottie with a body. Obviously, if you’re me, you would need to immediately text your bff about this person who, you never know, might be your perfect match. What’s easier than giving your little fingers a workout? Calling them with your new Go-Go-Gadget equipment where you can easily gossip about those deep ocean eyes across from you. Exhibit B: Are you a scream queen when it comes to horror movies? Well, do all the blood-curdling yelling you desire without interrupting the soulless people in the theatre who don’t get scared. Exhibit C: Speaking of horror, this device doubles as your new Halloween costume. Congrats! Exhibit D (this is the last one, I promise): When I was younger, I absolutely LOVED annoying my mom — out of love, of course! Most obnoxiously, I would talk to her with a high-pitched chipmunk voice until she turned bright red. If you’re like me and still have a menacing desire to annoy, the Hushme mask not only muffles voices but also contains a built-in speaker that plays sounds while you talk. Okay, yes, there are some soothing sounds like the wind and ocean, but I think the obvious choice is to sound like a minion, duh! So if you’re trying to find a discrete way to have phone sex in a public environment, you can purchase one of these bad boys and expect to start having secretive convos by December. When you aren’t on a “private business call,” or whatever you pretend you’re discussing, you can wear the mask around your neck and jam out with the built-in headphones. Go ahead and saddle up with the “world’s first voice mask for mobile phones.” Meanwhile, you can find me in a packed Starbucks loudly talking on the phone with my mom. Sorry to all café dwellers who I’ve encountered, but my wrath will continue.