I Judged The "Big Brother 18" Cast On Looks Alone

The best reality TV show in the history of the world is back! No, not "Survivor" or "The Amazing Race" or any of the other ones constantly nominated for an Emmy. No, I'm talking about the criminally-underrated "Big Brother." The 18th season starts on June 22 and will continue throughout the summer, with the Houseguests spending a record 99 days in the house—if they're lucky enough to make it to the end. This week, CBS gave us the first look at the people Chenbot will be spending the summer with, and I have some thoughts. Let's take a look at each of the Houseguests and see how they'll do this summer, based on nothing more than their pictures and their pre-show interviews with Jeff Schroeder.

Warning: This is about to get petty. You have been warned.

Ok, who let a toddler on "Big Brother?" Seriously, she looks like a toddler. She describes herself as a "traveling nurse," which is not a thing I knew existed. She seems nice enough, and will likely be the Meg of this season, and end up going much further than she should on very little actual gameplay talent. #SorryNotSorry

This girl's name is Bronte. Like the Bronte sisters. She also has a voice that sounds JUST like you would expect. That is to say: It's awful. She's also studying to be a mathematician but couldn't do basic math in her head. When Jeff asked her what 9x9 was in her interview, she said 89. So yeah—I don't see her going too far. PROVE ME WRONG, BRONTE!

I don't have a whole lot of thoughts on Victor, other than the fact that I don't understand how someone who looks like that is only 25. His life motto makes me want to jump off a very steep cliff: "Get my money, develop my body and get women." NOPE. Not here for that BS. Also, as a rule, guys with long hair aren't great. Sorry, Victor. 

The show hasn't even started yet and we already have our first controversy. Reality Blurred reports that in 2011 and 2012 Corey used anti-gay slurs on Twitter. Personally, I'm not too upset about it, but we'll see how (or if) it will play out. He probably won't win America's Choice at all, but I doubt anyone in the house will hear about it. He's a coach, which—like being a teacher—might be a good practice for dealing with everyone in the house...but mostly I think it means we're just going to see him working out all summer. 

Jozea says that he loved Frankie Grande from season 16, which of course means I hate him already. Frankie was one of my least favorite players in a while, so it's not a great way to endear yourself to me. But as for how he'll actually do in the show? Well, this is going to sound awful, but the token gay is like, the opposite of the token old guy, so he'll probably go far. He's incredibly confident—he told Jeff he saw "no holes" in his game, which, like...c'mon. We'll see, Jozea, we'll see. 

Okay, first of all, let it be known that I am in love with Paul. I want him to win just so I can spend an entire summer with him. Seriously, SO in love with Paul. Ok, now let's look at him as a game player. He describes himself as "sneaky," which is a great quality to have, but a terrible quality to *think* you have but actually don't. He's 23 years old and owns his own business, so he's clearly motivated. I think he'll do well, but to be completely honest, that may be mostly because I want him to do so well, since, as you may have heard, I am in love with him.

Oh, Glenn. Let's face it—at 50 years old, you're the oldest contestant and that's why you're here. A former police detective who's now a dog groomer, he's got quite the background. I have to assume he'll pull a Derrick Levasseur and decline to tell everyone about being a former police officer. It worked for Derrick; he ended up going all the way in season 16. Glenn will have trouble due to his age, because everyone else is like, at least two decades younger. If he can get that social game, he'll be great.

Zakiyah is a preschool teacher, which means she is probably REALLY patient, which is going to be a big plus for her in the house. She is also 24 years old and is a preschool teacher, which probably means she's generally pretty straight laced outside the house, which can sometimes lead to some sloppy behavior inside the house. I think she'll do well though, that patience is going to be super helpful. 

Wait, you mean this generic white dude is different than Corey? Seems like a lie, but whatever. He's actually the brother of season 16 runner up, Cody. If he can play like his brother at all, he'll do well. But, if they find out he's Cody's brother, he's not long for the house, so we'll see how he plays this. In the picture on CBS's website, he's shirtless, because of course In that sense he's just like his brother. He's also a DJ, because of course.

Another "Big Brother" sibling. Tiffany is the sister of season 17's Vanessa. VOTE HER OUT SOON!! Tiffany doesn't have the slight advantage that Paulie has, since she basically looks exactly like her sister, it probably won't be hard for people to figure it out. Vanessa was a fascinating player last season, and if her sister is anything like her, they need to get rid of her soon, because she will go way too far otherwise. 

There is something that just bugs the hell out of me about this girl. Maybe it's the fact that her life's motto is "Work hard, play harder" or the fact that her list of interests is the size of a short story or maybe it's something else. WHO KNOWS. She'll probably do great, because the people I can't stand usually end up in the final three. 

Michelle is a bit of a mystery. Some of her interests are literally "going on reddit" and "watching live feeds." I'm not totally sure what live feeds she's talking about, but sure. She's a nutritionist, so I'm hoping this is finally the season we get some good nutritional info on slop. Other than that, she seems like she'll be a somewhat boring but perfectly competent player. I can see her surprising us in the physical comps, which could serve her well. 

There's something weird going on with this group of Houseguests. There are only 12 of them, which is a very small group. The last time we only had 12 Houseguests was Season 3. In Season 11, we thought there'd be only 12 houseguests, but then Jessie "Mr. Pec-Tacular" Godderz unfortunately came back into the house. I would expect to see something similar this year, but dear God I hope it's not Jessie again. 

(It should be noted that Wikipedia says that there will be 4 returning Houseguests, for a much more normal 16 total, but I can't seem to find that anywhere else...)

So, minus any other surprise Houseguests, here are my predictions for the current slate of Houseguests:

First Head of Household: Paulie

First to be evicted: Tiffany, if they figure out who her sister is; Glen if they don't

First to cry: Zakiyah

Most likely to have a secret they admit to the house: Paul (I just really want him to be gay, tbh)

Most likely to end up playing chess alone: Glenn

My very premature pick for winner: Paul, due to my love for him