How To Have Sex In A Car Like A Grown-Ass Adult
Remember to stretch first. Your body isn't as limber as it used to be.
As an adult, doing it in bed can get a little...stale. And despite the mess that was teenage car lovin' (and that near-anal experience you had with the stick shift), you remember it fondly. Breaking from the routine and throwing age stigmas to the wind is the fun aphrodisiac you and your partner need!.
Unfortunately, since the days of your mom's mid-sized sedan, things have not improved much. Cars can park themselves, they can direct you to nearest Chipotle from literally ANY given location, but no one at Ford seems to give a hoot about the teens suffering from humping-induced concussions. Lucky for you, we've got plenty of High School promiscuity under our belts to share all the car diddling tips you need to have sex in a car like a fucking adult.
1. Hood Activities
Who says car sex has to be confined to the inside of your sedan? Stretch your aching, old-fart limbs and get some fresh air using the hood of the car as a sex prop. Each day on your morning commute, you'll can look at the hood of your Corolla, fondly remembering the time your honey bent you over it. You'll recall using it as your trusty cunnilingus platform and smile with delight while your kids scream along to the "Frozen" soundtrack.
2. Parked Road Head
You're an adult, and you know that certain tasks can be distracting and just plain dangerous—like texting...and oral. Giving/receiving head while doing 60 mph is hazardous and just plain irresponsible. Don't be another State Farm statistic. Park behind Best Buy to get your fellatio on like mature grown-up.
3. Watch Doggy Style
This is the most responsible way to bone in your dope-ass minivan. Imagine a lap dance, but instead of having boobs in your face, you're staring at their shoulder blades. I know, it sounds less fun, but in this smart position, you've got a lookout! While still having fun, someone can keep constant watch to ensure a late-shift Walmart employee doesn't spot you.
4. Clean your crevices (car and otherwise)
OK, you're doing it in the car and feeling like a crazy kid again—but your car shouldn't look like your unkept high school hot rod. After all, there's no greater mood killer than finding a cheddar-covered Taco Bell receipt on your butt. Pre-Buick boning, be sure to vacuum out all crumbs and french fry nubs in your seat cracks. Throw out your old Ice Mountain bottles and Happy Meal containers and give the car a quick scrub down. Be sure to keep some tissues handy for clean up afterward, too.
5. Choose your location carefully
In the age of Snapchat and Instagram, your bumbling butt pushed against the driver's seat window is all anyone with a cellphone needs to make you an viral sensation. Location is key if you want to avoid being on featured on caughtwithpantsdown.com. Look for a secluded, quiet spot—preferably surrounded by trees or other obstructions. If your nearby park or beach has an enforced curfew, consider the rear end of a GNC or another deserted retail store.
6. Consider the law, but then forget it—It's what adults do
Public displays of indecency are illegal, and that's exactly what we're looking to do. Before riding dirty, consider the following:
If you're caught, you could be arrested. If you're caught, you could be fined. If you're caught, social media will never let you forget. If you're caught, you could die of embarrassment and shame. Take a second to really stress about this and then treat it like you would a stop sign look to make sure no one's watching and then take off full steam ahead.
7. Make a Costco run beforehand
Come prepared and well-stocked. Hydration is important, so bring a couple bottles of water to refresh yourself from the most cardio you've had in three years. Also, you're going to work up an appetite, so have snacks on hand. You'd be shocked at the cup holders you didn't know existed until they're jammed into your bulging disc, so bring pillows. They'll cover all the harsh and painful corners. Most importantly, bring a love glove because safe sex is the best kind of sex. *Punches self in own face*