I Tried Whole Foods' Most Pretentious Beauty Products So You Don't Have To

Everyone knows that Whole Foods is the go-to place for the freshest, most pretentious groceries. Whether your tastes range from organic to obscure, you can find what you need there. A coworker recently asked me about trying out some of the stores beauty products, but I had no idea they even existed. Like any obsessive makeup buyer, I was intrigued. Would these products turn me into a naturally glowy goddess, or would I be left broke and disappointed?

Being a Whole Foods noob, I've only been there a handful of times and had never seen the beauty section. I wondered if it would be difficult to find and how many products they'd actually have available. I found it with ease, but that was where my positive experience ended. 

I went into this experience blind, having no expectations for the brands the store would carry or what types of products I would find. The huge shelves that housed the skincare products towered over me and I felt so small. The smaller each jar, bottle and tube got, the more expensive it was. I considered giving up after five minutes, but knew I couldn't leave the store empty handed. I settled on finding a few product that could realistically replace my current skincare routine. I stood in front of the shelves for so long, I was convinced the store employees thought I was stealing. Finally, I chose four products, checked out and went home to shower off my stress-induced back sweat. 

After the roller coaster of emotions that I experienced in the Whole Beauty aisle, I wound up with four products: a cleansing milk by Juice Beauty, coconut water firming toner by Andalou Naturals, Beta Hydroxy Complex Recovery Cream by Andalou Naturals and a solid perfume by Pacific. I'm embarrassed to admit that these four purported skincare miracles set me back $62. This shit better give me the glow of a young Hollywood starlet. 

Cost: $21.99

Claims: "Deeply cleanses and removes makeup while soothing normal, aging or sensitive skin." 

Results: As you can see, this did not deeply cleanse or remove my makeup at all. I had my normal amount of makeup on the day I tried this, yet my face was still streaked with liquid liner and mascara—neither of which are incredibly long-lasting or expensive. This cleanser also smelled like freshly cut grass, which made me feel very uncomfortable. Feel free to pass on this one. 

Cost: $12.99

Claims: "Instant skin refresher, hydrates, calms and balanced pH and improves tone and texture."

Results: It looks like a cheap body spray from your youth and it smells like one too. I deeply regretted spraying it all over my face before a least giving it a quick whiff because it was offensive! The "firming" part of this firming toner really just means that your face feels slightly tighter after it dries down—like you've just been freshly botoxed. Don't try this if you plan to show any emotion immediately afterward. 

Cost: $24.99

Claims: "Clarifies, minimizes pores, curbs bacteria, oxygenates, hydrates, calms inflammation."

Results: I was prepared for this overnight cream to give me the skin of a nine-year-old who's never seen the sun, but it really didn't do much. My face felt a little softer when I woke up in the morning, but I was still left with my usual dry patches within a few days. Not impressed. 

Cost: $8.50

Claims: The quote on the side of the box says, "Pleasure is the flower that passes; remembrance, the lasting perfume." - Jean de Boufflers 

Results: I've always wanted to be the type of person whose perfume stays in the room for a few seconds after they've left. I wondered if solid perfumes were the secret. Thanks to Project Runway, I've always considered blood orange to be the most pretentious of the citrus fruits, so I knew I had to get this. Although this was the least expensive find out of all of these products, the tin that holds the perfume is really only a little larger in diameter than a quarter. I couldn't smell myself after applying this to my wrists and behind my ears and neither could anyone else. Bath and Body Works, I'm sorry I ever betrayed you. 

If you're going to insist on spending money at Whole Foods, do so on kale, chia seeds or whatever else healthy people eat. You'd have to drag me by my hair to get me to go back to Whole Hell's beauty section again because these products brought me nothing but a whole lot of disappointment. If you're willing to spend money, hit up your beloved Sephora for brands like Boscia, Dr. Jart, Origins and First Aid Beauty for skincare products that actually work. Talk to ya never, Whole Foods! 👋🏻