8 Reasons No Kid Should've Watched 'Legends Of The Hidden Temple'
Legends of the Hidden Temple? More like Legends of the Glaringly Obvious Childhood Trauma.
If you had cable in the 90s, you're probably familiar with Legends of the Hidden Temple. The Mayan Temple-set game show hosted preteens who competed in physical and mental challenges, under a grueling time constraint. Oh, and if that wasn't enough, giant half-naked adults in terrifying masks would jump out to scare the living shit out of the contestants. It's no wonder that nearly 75 percent of the contestants failed this nightmare challenge and probably ended up in intensive therapy, like me. OK, so I only watched on television, but here are just some of the things that keep me up at night.
1. Temple Guards were large men that crept out of dark spaces and grabbed children.
To this day when I step into any bathroom with a shower, I have to peek behind the curtain, just to be sure a man in a loin cloth isn't waiting for me.
2. A large talking rock was basically the kids' only lifeline and it gave vague, distrustful instructions.
In this clip alone, Olmec gave a 163 word instruction, in which he mentions 14 different rooms and six different puzzles to solve. Thanks for nothing, Olmec.
And why did he always speak in uncertainties: "You COULD start by running to the room of the three gargoyles, push in the correct tongue, and a door MIGHT lead you down a stairway and across the troubled bridge." SHOULD I OR SHOULDN'T I, YOU POSSESSED stalactite!? WHAT AREN'T YOU SAYING?
3. The Temple Run was an impossible task which set kids up for failure.
The Temple Run was a labyrinth of over a dozen rooms full of ladders, hidden artifacts, puzzles and of course, Temple Guards. As a 26-year-old adult re-watching the episodes, I can say with all the confidence of Honey Boo Boo on pageant day, that there ain't NO WAY I'd be able to make it through. It was so complicated that in the 120 episode run of LOTHT, only 32 actually made it through the Temple Run round. That's a win rate 26.7 percent. And since each episode began with twelve kids and only two actually made it to the Temple Run, that means only 4.4 percent of Legends of the Hidden Temple Contestants actually won. The host did what he could to soften the blow for the kids, but he really just came off as an over-aggressive parent that was wildly disappointed when they inevitably lost.
4. The Shrine of the Silver Monkey was Nickelodeon's sick twisted joke.
A three-piece puzzle sounds simple enough, and these kids were no dummies. At any rate, I'm sure they had the skills to construct a snowman (which is, on surface level, all this puzzle took). So, you're made to believe Nickelodeon's all "I'll throw you a bone here, kid," BUT NO.
First of all, at this point you've got a max of four seconds left on the clock. To boot, this room was clearly built for an ADULT. The monkey pieces are placed on shelves so high that shorter kids would have to jump to knock them down, and the puzzle base is way too tall.
5. The host was like a confusing and emotionally abusive dad.
I'm sure Kirk Fogg is a very nice guy in real life, but as host of LOTHT, he was basically a pushy David Hasselhoff-esque father. He was all:
"She's got a lot of work to do. Gotta find the second piece, and then she's gotta get that head. Once she's got that head on, then she'll jab that head down and another door will open. She's got that...lets seeeeee...did she get that....djajfdaljs. Turn it around. Turn it around. TURN THE MONK...the head around, turn the head around. It's not on straight. It's not on. There you go."
If you sent me into that environment with HIM as my very pushy yet confused leader, I'd have spread-eagled on the floor crying within seconds. Considering how seldom kids actually walked away winners of the show, you could sense his desperation. He REALLY wanted these kids to get it, but how the hell do you orchestrate such a shit show?
6. There was a literal "The Pit of Despair."
Millions of viewers just watched you like a pet hamster, clawing at the walls of a terrarium and hopelessly trying to find a way out. According to legend, one kid started bawling out of sheer emotional and physical exhausting in the pit, and then barfed in it. What Irony.
7. The prizes were like expecting a Barbie Jeep on Christmas morning and getting a single Lip Smackers Lip Balm.
Contestants participated under the pretense that they were going to have FUN and hopefully score a trip to Disney World or win some kind of amazing robot boombox. These kids went through a lot and usually walked away with nothing more than a YOYO. Don't get me wrong, it was the 90s, so yoyos were lit, but you could also score one at Chuck E. Cheese after like two good games of Whack-a-Mole, so BIG WHOOP.
8. Jaguars are NOT red. Who are you trying to fool, Nickelodeon!?
The team names were very confusing to the learning mind of a child. Imagine my embarrassment when Mrs. Castlin, my bitchy kindergarten teacher, informed me that jaguars are NOT red and that I needed to re-color my art project to be "correct." While we're on the topic, parrots aren't purple (well, maybe...like, if it's a male) and monkeys are certainly not green.
Now I'm just like this kid.
Doing weird tasks that I don't understand (like taxes and 401k's), struggling to get through this foggy moat of life, and I wear a helmet at all times.