These 13 Bathroom Innovations Will Forever Change The Way You Poop
Start pooping like a professional.
Whether you know it or not, we spend a lot of our time on the toilet.
Some studies have even estimated that, by the time you die, you'll have spent more than a year of your life laying some brick, letting the dogs out, making a bombing run, or whatever your preferred euphemism is for making waste. That's WAY too much time for each deuce to not be the best you've ever dropped.
Yet, so many of us seemed satisfied with bathrooms that are simply standard. It's the 21st century. We have the technology to travel from San Francisco to LA in 30 minutes. We've put toilets at the summits of mountains. We're extraordinary humans so why are we taking normal poops in normal toilets?
Enough is enough! It's time for action.
These bathroom innovations are guaranteed to make sure your poops are every bit as awesome as you are.
1. This Polaroid T.P. dispenser for documenting your most cherished dumps.
Once you get passed the voyeuristic weirdness of having something that looks like a camera watching you every time you take the Browns to the Super Bowl, this faux-polaroid toilet paper dispenser and its lovely pastels can really up your bathroom aesthetic.
2. This tablet stand/toilet paper holder will up your multitasking game by 10,000%
If your bathroom is like a second office, then this TP-dispensing tablet stand will forever change how you *ahem* do your business. Now you can hide from your boss and still get work done!
3.This blingy bidet because your butt is worth it.
For anyone who has yet to experience the dingleberry-cleaning wonder that is a bidet, this easy-to-install bunghole busser from folks at Tushy will leave you sparkling and refreshed after even the most toxic flush.
4. A tub-side champagne bucket so you can pop a cork after you've popped your cork.
Perfect for celebrating the inaugural squat on your new, porcelain throne, or maybe you just dropped a record-breaking log into ol' reliable. Either way, this attachable bucket for your bubbly will ensure that all your bathroom-related accomplishments are commemorated with class and fanciness.
5. Kohler's Rolls Royce of Toilet Seats
Kohler really pulled out the stops with the Purefresh K-5588. With an integrated air freshener, odor-neutralizing carbon filter, QuiteClose lid and programmable nightlight, this thing will do pretty much everything but wipe for you. A price tag of $120 does mean that you better take your pipe-laying game pretty seriously before upgrading to this toilet seat of the future.
6. Customizable toilet paper because what does your roll say about you?
Have you ever gone to wipe your bum and thought "man, this Charmin Ultra-Soft is comfortable on my rump, but it just isn't me." Well, the good people over at justtoiletpaper.com have a solution. In addition to offering a wide variety of potty accessories, they've cornered the market on design-your-own toilet paper. Never settle for boring ol' white, two-ply ever again.
7. This dookie-freezing crapper that keeps your shit from smelling like....well, shit.
The Biolen Icelett will actually freeze your craps after you take them. What do you do with them after that? Well, that's totally up to you. You could take advantage of the Icelett's removable bag to compost your own shite, but, c'mon, you've got an endless supply of frozen poop. Just think of the possibilities.
8. This colorful toilet bowl light because your bathroom needs to be more like a rave
The Illumibowl is supposed make finding the potty on those midnight sojourns to the john a little easier, but all I can think of doing is coupling it with one of those color-changing shower heads and transforming my bathroom into the hot new club to pop molly in.
9. This connector that turns your leftover cardboard tubes into tinker toys
Need to distract your child from the harsh economic realities facing your family? Not only will Toobalink save you money by making discarded cardboard tubes more fun than a barrel of monkeys, but it'll keep little Timmy so occupied he probably won't even notice that they're the only thing you bought him for Christmas this year.
10. This before-and-after toilet seat scale
Nothing feels more triumphant than rising victorious from your porcelain throne after a long, ropey battle with your own bowels. Now, thanks to the pre and post-dump weights from this handy, ass cradle, you can now brag with accuracy to all of your friends about the three-pounder you took last night.
11. Toilet Golf so you can practice your short game while practicing your short game.
I think the picture really says it all here. If tapping balls into glasses on the living room carpet isn't bringing your short game up to snuff you can always augment your practice regimen with the Potty Putter. It even comes with a Do-Not-Disturb Sign so don't worry about losing your focus during those really high stakes strokes.
12. The world's sleekest toilet scrubber
The toilet brush of the future isn't actually a brush at all. It looks like something that should be unveiled at Apple's next product reveal, but the stylishly-named Loogun is a more eco-friendly and cleaner way to keep the messiest place in your home a little more hygienic.
13.Yes...the Squatty Potty
I know what you're thinking. "Why would I want to look even less dignified on the toilet?" Hear me out, though. If you haven't seen the colorful Squatty Potty ad that ignited a firestorm of dookie-debate on the internet late last year, you should know that there is some solid science behind its design. Apparently, by adjusting the angle at which you poo, it actually becomes easier to...well...you get the idea.
Happy dumping!