These Might Be The Worst 'Bachelorette' Contestants In The Show's History

Christmas came early for Bachelorette fans everywhere. ABC released the names, faces and answers to a very odd questionnaire for JoJo Fletcher's potential suitors on this season of "The Bachelorette."

JoJo won America's hearts (and empathy) last season when Ben Higgins, the blandest of Bachelors, pulled the fuckboy card and chose another woman after telling JoJo he loved her. So fans were over the moon when ABC announced giggly girl-next-door JoJo would be our Bachelorette.

Unfortunately, it looks like she's going to have to kiss a lot of frogs this season, as the pickings are slim and most of the men are pretty dim.  

As we dig a little deeper into the lineup of losers, we fear the worst for our beloved JoJo.

Let's begin.

Brandon's occupation? "Hipster." 

COME. ON.

There's always at least one loser on every season who finds a "creative" way to say they're unemployed without actually saying it. Also, creepiest soft smile we've seen in a long time.

Will seems a tad too immature for JoJo. He hates "when his date brings up heavy stuff too soon" but he loves when his date "is able to make fun of herself." 

Based off the answers to his questions, we don't think he's ready to commit to a serious relationship.

At first glance, we were all, "Damn, Daniel" to this 31-year old male model. That is, until he was asked if he had any tattoos and responded in the douchiest way possible. "No same reason you don't put stickers on a lambo." 

He continued human Lamborghini bit when he was asked if he'd be uncomfortable in swimwear (really, ABC?) 

He said he is, "very comfortable. Why have a lambo if you park it in the garage?"

Not sure if the Bachelorette mansion has a garage, but if so we hope someone locks him in there this season. 

He DOESN'T LIKE PIZZA.

Okay, that's actually pretty rude. JoJo is looking for love, she doesn't have time for robots.

Nick S. may or may not have just come from Coachella, based on the scarf he's wearing so daintily around his neck. Stare at this picture long enough and you'll just start laughing uncontrollably. Try it.

Not to be confused with JoJo's letter-writing ex who we encountered last season. Different Chad, same douchery.

His greatest achievement? "Being born good looking."

K.

This Matthew McConaughey-wannabe answered questions about who he admires most, who he would have lunch with of anyone in the world and who he would like to be for a day all with the same response, "Myself in 10 years, alright, alright, alright."

NEXT. 

Come on, man, you couldn't have worn something a little nicer than the plaid Kmart shirt your mom bought on clearance?

He also claims to follow a specific diet of "carb cycling." 

Nice.

When asked what his favorite magazine is (ABC, running out of questions, eh?) He answered "Ducks Unlimited." We think he's on the show just so he can snag a role in next season of "Duck Dynasty."

We know a few disturbing things about Evan. 

1. He's an Erectile Discomfort Expert. I could just stop there, but I wont.

2. He loves to go "booty dancing." 

3. He would trade places with Trump for a day if he could. 

4. He's in touch with his "powerful" and "beautiful" sexual energy.

Yeah, he sounds like a Trump supporter alright.

A U.S. Marine with a lot of macho man answers to ABC's bizarre array of questions, but we think JoJo might be into it.

He seems sweet, but also kind of boring. He's a bartender so hopefully he can liquor these losers up and give us some good TV this season.

He would do anything for love, except sell his truck. We're thinking him and Daniel will be best friends in the house.

So his mom is his best friend, and he used to have a Chihuahua but his ex took it. Both kind of sad, but we think JoJo will take pity on his good looking self and beyond his misfortunes.

Super boring. It feels like he Googled the questions he asked and answered with the 'I'm Feeling Lucky' option. 

Yawn.

He's got pretty eyes, but he's also scared of "fluffy kittens" so we're not really sure how to feel about Derek.

He's cool and has tattoos, and he does badass things. For example, one time he "evaded police in Mexico on an ATV." 

Maybe JoJo's over boring Ben and is looking for a more dangerous man?

James' occupation? "Bachelor Superfan." Also, is it just us or does James S. look like a real life blow-up doll?

JoJo, you good with being the breadwinner?

I think this singer-songwriter got his audition dates mixed up and accidently wound up at "The Bachelorette" instead of "American Idol." He's for sure here to launch his career, but we are so looking forward the second-hand embarrassment we'll get from watching him serenade JoJo.

Interesting pose there, friend.

He hates vegetables, but he loves watching "The 40 Year Old Virgin" so if that's something your interesting, he's the right man(child) for you, JoJo.

Not sure if we actually believe he's a former pro quarterback, but we do think he's got moves. 

Good looking? Check.

Answered questions with a sense of humor? Check. 

Cute answer about who he admires most (his grandparents, aw) ? Check.

Kiera, is that you?

He made a nice Avril Lavigne reference when he said he went through an embarassing "Sk8er Boi" stage. We think he and JoJo won't have a 'Complicated' relationship.

When asked the questions, "Do you plan on having kids someday? If yes, how many and why?" Robby answered with: "Yes!! And hopefully soon! 3...4...5... whatever my future wife and I are comfortable with. But coming from a large family, there s no chance we stop at two!"

Calm down, dude.

If he had a superpower it would be to fly so he could beat traffic.

Hopefully there isn't too much traffic on your limo ride to the airport to go home you boring, boring man.

"Jersey Shore" isn't getting a reboot any time soon, so Vinny resorted to "The Bachelorette." The most outrageous thing he's ever done? "At 16, I flew to Mexico to surprise my boys on spring break." 

Woah, you've got a real daredevil on your hands, JoJo.

This one is confusing. On one hand he hates when a date "asks me what I want to do next." So we're thinking okay, you're not a planner. But then he answers where he sees himself in five years with this:  "Married to the Bachelorette with our first child."

Mixed messages, Jake.

JoJo's one boss ass bitch that can handle even the slimiest of skeezeballs, so we aren't completely worried about what's to come this season. We hope she finds love and owns her season like the kween she is.