Millenials Hate Leaving College, So They Created Startups To Work At
Beer, ping-pong and free food. Sound like college? Nope, it's WORK.
Leaving college is hard for millenials. For four years, you lived a sheltered existence, protected from the harsh realities of adult life by a comfortable shield of football games, theme parties and free pizza.
How can you ease the transition from college to work life? Here's one way: Work at a startup. Startup culture is rife with hallmarks of collegiate life: The office is outfitted with random furniture, and there's a good chance you'll be pulling an all-nighter. The amount of beer you will drink is still shameful, and you'll get even better at drinking games .
Here are 11 signs that your startup is trying to brainwash you into believing you're still in college.
1. There's always a shitty couch.
Remember that shitty couch you and the guy down the hall drunkenly made out on sophomore year? Somehow it followed you across two states, resurfacing in your startup's open-concept office. You even had HR orientation on the couch—which gave you some military-grade PTSD flashbacks of that dude's Cheeto tongue.
2. There's always music playing somewhere.
You didn't notice the music your first week, but damn—if you have to listen to another unironic throwback song while you try to meet your company goals, you'll go ape shit. It inspires the kind of rage you felt as the cinderblock dorm walls shook from some asshole blaring Eminem's "Hi, My Name Is!"
Unfortunately, the 20-year-old CEO loves dubstep, so that's what you listen to all day, every day.
3. There's always an invite to a group activity in your inbox.
Remember trying to "sneak" into frat parties with your built-in squad of 20 drunk, sloppy freshmen?
At the startup, group outings are part of your life again, but in the best way! Company-sponsored happy hours and holiday parties complete with free booze and snacks are what dreams are made of. Plus, Liz from Accounting's tabletop karaoke becomes gossip fodder for the rest of the month. Ahhh—if this is what it's like to have a real job, you're in heaven.
4. The microwave is vaguely dirty and the whole kitchen area smells very, VERY weird.
Your parents didn't teach you how to cook before college, and you never took the time to learn. Every day you get in line to microwave last night's takeout. That break room microwave smells just like the time junior year when your roommate tried to dry her cell phone in it, because no one told her that's how fires start.
5. There are still jerks who refuse to load their dishes into the dishwasher.
One of the best perks of both college and working at a startup is the abundance of free food. But free food = dirty dishes, and there's always some privileged butthead who refuses to spend two more seconds placing his gross plate into the freaking dishwasher.
6. Did we mention there's always free food?
There's so much free pizza, donuts and string cheese, you're in danger of regaining the freshman 15. The only difference between your alma mater and your startup is that you don't have to pay someone's older brother to buy a keg and sneak it inside.
7. There's always a line for the bathroom.
In college, you got in line for the showers with all the other schmucks who slept way too late. Now, you're waiting in line because the staff has ballooned from its original 3 members to a whopping 68 (thanks, series B funding). Yeah, this office is too damn small.
8. There's a ping-pong table.
Your startup ping-pong table serves as both a kitchen table and a surface for hitting tiny balls across a net—just like in college. The only difference is that your startup doled out cash for a new table—unlike your college self, who dragged one home from an alley.
9. You want to hang out with the cool kids.
In college, you chugged seven light beers in a row to impress them. At your startup, there's always a pack of them lounging on that shitty couch. You have to learn how to talk about travel and app coding before you can officially join the cool couch. Get crackin'.
10. There's only one printer, and no one really knows how to use it.
In college, you'd go door to door, begging your dorm-mates to let you print a paper after your own printer crapped out.
At your startup, you can't even locate the printer. When you finally find it, tucked away in the supplies closet, you get in and get out. You're embarrassed to even be using technology so antiquated.
11. Meeting rooms are designed to make people want to hang out.
You work in rooms outfitted with armchairs and white boards. The glass walls allow you to ogle all the attractive people walking by on their way to lunch. Wait—are we talking about college or a startup?
(HINT: They're the same thing.)
So congratulations on your startup job—the ultimate loophole in adulthood.