13 Reasons Farts Are Actually Beautiful, Special Things

Farting is a totally natural biological function that we're all supposed to experience, like eating, breathing or sleeping. It can help to stave off disease and prevents uncomfortable bloating and cramps. Farting is actually good for you.

Farting also happens to be hilarious, and has been since the very first monkey giggled at one of his own toots millennia ago. I can't explain why farting is so funny, but I can explain why you should love your farts. Each fart is an amazing, unique thing, like the first breath of a newborn fawn. Passing gas is a huge part of human culture, and it's time for you to get on board and embrace your farts. 

The chemical hydrogen sulfide makes up a big part of farts' stink. It aids in digestion of certain foods, beans included. It's a poisonous chemical in large doses, but a small amount of it "can prevent heart failure and stroke, and put the brakes on aging." Drugs that harness the health benefits of the stink are even being developed. 

Eproctophilia is a very real "fetish." The word describes someone who's "not sexually attracted to flatulence per se, (but) the person releasing the flatulence." If you're dating someone with eproctophilia, your farts are basically more powerful to them than the most expensive cologne—which would be great, because farts are free.

I have no idea on the legitimacy of this pill, but it comes in a wide variety of scent options, including chocolate and ginger. I hope it works, and since its inventor looks just like Santa Claus, I can only assume it's magic. 

He made his love for flatulence clear in the dirty love letters he wrote to his wife Nora. It's just a shame more of the world hasn't read the poetic smut. 

Is it because French people love their farts the same way they love their pets? Almost certainly not, because that doesn't make any sense. Food for thought, though.

The profession is a real performance art, and is referred to as "flatulist," "farteur," or "fartiste." Le Petomane (aka Joseph Pujol) was one of the most famous flatulists in history—he even sold out the Moulin Rouge. 

Apparently, Claudius saw the issue as one of personal liberty. He came to this belief after hearing that someone nearly died from trying to hold in farts in modesty. 

The joke, attributed to ancient Sumerians, read: "Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap." Lol. Classic.

In a scientific case study, a prematurely born and abandoned boy named Peter was found to have a peculiar way of comforting himself: when endanged, he'd form "a defensive olfactive container using his bodily smell and farts to envelop himself in a protective cloud of familiarity."

Herring pass air through their anal ducts (aka fish fart) to relay information to each other. According to National Geographic, "Researchers suspect herring hear the bubbles as they're expelled, helping the fish form protective shoals at night." 

Does that seem like too much, too little or exactly the right amount?

Literary master Johnathan Swift wrote an essay titled "The Benefit of Farting Explain'd," Geoffrey Chaucer compared a fart to a thunderclap in "The Canterbury Tales," Dante's "Inferno" shows a demon using his ass as a trumpet and Shakespeare was the king of sneaky fart jokes. 

Enough said.