7 Reasons Your Mom Totally Doesn't Deserve A Special Mother's Day
Thanks for raising me, Mom. Now what do you want—a cookie?
Do you really think your mom deserves to be treated like a queen this Mother's Day?
If you really think your mom needs a whole day of love and affection just to show her you appreciate all the sacrifices she made for you, I have one question for you: Are you an insane person? I obviously don't have a lot of experience with motherhood and caring for someone other than myself, but it can't be that hard, right?
I once had a plant in my apartment once that I watered sometimes. I mean, it died within two weeks, but still. Kids actually tell you when they're thirsty, which a plant does not do. Long story short, motherhood isn't that much of a struggle, and just because your mom does or did these eight things for you doesn't mean she gets to selfishly command your love and affection for a whole day.
1. She carried you inside her body for nine months
Okay, so carrying a fetus is basically the equivalent of carrying around a 10-pound barbell for nine months—if that barbell was inside your uterus, kicked your organs around and consumed your nutrients and blood like some kind of parasite you're required to love. But seriously, billions of women around the world before your mom made the same sacrifice long before Mother's Day became a Hallmark holiday. What does she want, a sweet handwritten note thanking her for going through hell? Nobody has time for that.
2. She risked her life going through hours of excruciating labor just so you could have a chance at life
Oh, yeah? I once had a really bad splinter in my finger that made me bleed and stuff, and my mom had to soak it in water for like 20 minutes before it came out. But you don't see me complaining, do you? I might have cried a little bit at the time (I was 23, it hurt a lot), but I got over it just fine.
Sure, having a splinter removed isn't exactly on par with childbirth, but it's probably the closest someone like me (I have a penis) will ever get to that kind of pain. And I can tell you it wasn't that bad.
3. She sacrificed her carefree youth (and supple figure) to take care of you
Your mom used to be a total babe, but she adjusted to a more modest style of dress (read: mom jeans and polos) following your birth. This uniform sent a clear message to the world that said, "My child is the center of my universe." You may think that's a pretty big sacrifice, but really, the second she got knocked up, she ceased to be a sex object, anyway. She totally doesn't deserve any gratitude for pulling on the same dumpy outfit day in and day out. She's too busy caring for you to feel good about her body—or practice any type of self-care, for that matter.
4. She drove you everywhere
She spent basically all her free time driving you to soccer practice, band practice or whatever activity you didn't stick with. Well whoop-de-doo. Cab drivers do the same thing, but you don't see me calling and giving flowers to the cabbie who drove me to the airport last week.
5. She slaved over a hot stove to cook delicious, healthy meals for you
Cooking is just one of the many full-time jobs your mom had during her quest to make sure you actually survived to adulthood. In addition to being a short-order cook, she was also de facto pre-school teacher, in-home nurse, and personal chauffeur.
But is giving your mom flowers and being nice to her for a whole day to thank her for having at least five full-time jobs really necessary? Seems a bit excessive to me.
6. She protected and comforted you when other people were mean to you or bullied you
So literally the whole world is against you except for your mom. She is and always has been your greatest ally, kissing your boo-boos and building your self-confidence back up again after the neighborhood bully told you your bangs looked stupid. But that's what moms do.
For comparison (and stick with me here): What I do is write articles for the Internet (obviously). I put as much love, care and craft into them as I can. Yeah, they're not made of my DNA and I didn't have to feed them or carry them around for nine months, but when someone says something mean about one of my articles, I cradle it and say, "Shh, shh—they didn't mean it" and stroke my sweet article's hair and kiss its forehead.
Have I asked for a special day of the year to get recognition for the sweet care I've given my articles? No, I haven't.
7. She listens to you when you have a bad day, she's the only person in the world you can truly count on and she does just about anything you'd ever need from another human
You can say, "My mother is the greatest person on Earth. She has spent every bit of her energy taking care of me and looking out for me. She's the only person I've known literally my whole life who has constantly been there for me. The least I can do is set aside one day out of the year to make sure she feels loved and appreciated for her hard work" all you want, but I'm still not convinced.
Happy Mother's Day, I guess.
Love you, mom 😘