9 Ted Cruz Quotes That Prove He's Never Spoken To Another Human Before
If the sight of him doesn't make you want to vomit, his words will.
Have you heard Ted Cruz speak? He literally communicates like he has no basic understanding of what's acceptable to say to another person. Now I'm not claiming he's a bloodthirsty alien, camouflaging himself in human skin, hoping to conquer the human race—but I'm also not NOT saying that, either.
As proof of what a weirdo he is, I've collected some of the weirdest, most cringeworthy things he's ever had to say. And keep in mind—these aren't things he's nonchalantly said behind the safety of closed doors. These are things he's said in very, very public forums, like before congress or in campaign speeches.
If anyone can prove to me he's not a maniacal alien, I beg of you, please enlighten me.
1. "America has always been best when she is lying down with her back on the mat"
That's not something you say though. Unless you've never heard actual humans speak. In that case, maybe it is something you say.
2. "I liked 'Godfather III'"
NOBODY liked "The Godfather Part III." Like Cruz himself, the movie was immensely disappointing and generally terrible. Once again, I'm not claiming Ted Cruz is actually an alien terrorist, but no real human would ever claim to have enjoyed "The Godfather Part III." Also, who calls it "Godfather III"?
3. "The moon might be as intimidating as Obamacare"
Sure, if you're not from earth and you've never seen the moon before. To be fair, the context of this comment made it sound slightly less insane, but not by much.
4. "I like their little burgers... I'm a big fan of eating White Castle burgers."
Two things: 1) Nobody likes White Castle "little burgers" and 2) They're called sliders.
5. "Most things can be fixed with duct tape and extension chords"
Okay, this quote makes my suspicions a whole lot less far-fetched. This is exactly what someone (or some alien) who wanted to abduct humans for experimental and probe-inserting purposes would do. Yes, of course it was spoken under the guise of "Redneck rule number one."
6. "Twenty years from now if there is some obscure trivial pursuits question, I am confident I will be the answer"
I don't doubt this, as long as the question is, "what name did our alien overlord Garzakk XII originally go by when he came to Earth, stole a flesh-suit and slowly enslaved the human race, one Republican at a time?"
7. "I am a very, very proud wacko bird"
Cruz said this in response to a comment from John McCain. As soon as he said it, everyone was like, "Yes! That! That's what he looks like!"
8. "We need 100 more like Jesse Helms in the U.S. Senate"
In case you don't know the name Jesse Helms, he was a US Senator from North Carolina who was famously anti-Civil Rights and once even tried to block the Senate from naming of a federal holiday in honor of Martin Luther King, Jr.
So there are really only three reasons Cruz would possibly say something like this:
1) At his very core, he hates all non-white people and wishes to see all minorities stripped of their basic human rights
2) He meant to refer to Jesse Holmes, star of National Geographic's "Life Below Zero"
3) When asked to name a politician that influenced him, the alien inside of Ted Cruz's skin panicked, contacted the mothership and was told to name to most notorious conservative politician google could come up with, and it was between Strom Thurmond and Jesse Helms. It's very hard for an alien tongue to pronounce the name "Strom."
Honestly, it could be any of these three.
9. "The whole world is on fire"
Cruz said this about Obama/Clinton leadership (of course), and he scared the shit out of a three-year-old girl in the audience. The comment didn't really make a whole lot of sense when he said it, unless he was talking about his hidden alien agenda to literally set the world on fire and just got a little over-excited, which is entirely possible.
What a creep.