10 Genius Things I Could've Done With All The Cash I Blew On Pot
Don't even get me started on how much I spent on munchies...
Lately, my path toward full-time adulthood has been a bit clearer. In the past year, I managed to do my own taxes, both sustain and seek treatment for an injury without having to call my parents, lit a beard on fire (don't ask) and most importantly....
Unfortunately, the high wore off quicker than expected, like most things you find yourself free to do as an adult. The initial feeling of power, while (literally) intoxicating, was immediately overshadowed by my being utterly, savagely broke.
Don't get me wrong, poverty wasn't about to stand between me and dat sweet, sweet herb, but the pain of prying $50-80 from the jaws of my bank account every couple of weeks got me thinking about what I could be doing with my green other than buying more green.
By my calculations, I dropped about $1,500 on herb in the last 12 months.
All things considered, that's not too bad for a year's supply of giggles. Would I do it again? Absolutely.
However, $1,500 is quite a bit of money to a broke-ass student like me. So, just for shits and gigs, I came up with a few things I could've done, but totally didn't do, because I was too busy livin' out the Snoop Dogg mantra: "Smoke weed everyday."
1. Become a savior of humanity
I could've been a philanthropist instead of getting high. You know the amount of good $1,500 can do for someone less stoned and less fortunate than me? A LOT.
According to Feed The Nations, a non-profit with operations in Africa, my 15-hundo could have fed three hundred African kids for four days. Me, I'm a barely-functioning someone who often fails to remember to feed myself. Hmmm, maybe I should support goats singing for charity instead.
2. Stocked my bunker with food for the apocalypse
I don't technically have a bunker YET, (I've had my eye on this one) but planning for the future, that's better than getting high right?
Maybe it's all the Fallout 4 I've been binging, maybe it's just Donald Trump being a thing, but lately, having a plan for when we all get engulfed in nuclear fire seems like less of a bad idea.
$1500 bucks unbridled from kush consumption equates to about 3,500 packs of Ramen. That shit's got a shelf-life of 10,000 years. I'll outlast the roaches.
3. Flown around the world
It wouldn't be a list about spending money I don't have if I didn't put travel on here somewhere.
One day, I'll finally get around to being the world-wanderer that my inner-millennial pines to be. Until then, I'll just mull over some travel hacks and how my $1500 bucks could've bought me a one-way ticket to Tokyo or Stockholm.
4. Mastered the art of language
A six-month subscription to Rosetta Stone only costs $169. While I was busy sparking nugs and marathoning Bill Murray movies, I could've been learning Swahili, Hebrew, Hindi, Polish, Russian, Portuguese, Latin AND Arabic.
*sigh* Oh well, guess I'll have to survive on half-remembered Spanglish. I can say "I am a vegetable." in German though. That'll totally come in handy one day.
5. Given a selfie stick to 50 of my closest friends
This could easily be changed to "50 of my worst enemies." Either way.
6. Re-enacted this scene in 'Home Alone 2'
Every kid who saw Home Alone 2 fantasized about being Kevin McCallister, free in the big city with his parent's credit card in his pocket. Turns out, if you don't blow all your money on ganj, it's really not that hard.
After informing Limos.com that, no, I did not make a mistake, and yes, I actually did want to rent a limo to "just drive" me around for a day, they quoted me a price of $1,408. That leaves $92 for all the pizza and wine I can shovel into my face.
7. Drank a bottle of Jameson every day for two months
The way I figure it, if I wasn't dropping any money on weed I'd probably be spending way more on booze, right?
A fifth of Jameson with tax costs $27.63 at the liquor store across the street from my house. $1500 means I could've gotten sloshed all-day, every day for 54 days straight. Assuming I didn't die first. Turn. Up.
8. Bathed in champagne
The average American bathtub, aside from being a great name for a folk band, holds 58 gallons of water.
In the language of you alcoholics out there, that's about 232 bottles of champagne. Needing that many, I probably wouldn't be dipping my slimy ass into anything too premium.
I'd definitely go out of pocket for a photographer and maybe a champagne saber though, because if a tub of bubbly doesn't scream 'mixtape cover,' I don't know what does.
9. Unleashed 12,000 ants on an unsuspecting victim
Did you know you can buy 60 ants on the internet for only seven bucks? This was news to me, amazing news.
60 ants, strategically positioned can ruin someone's day. The 12,000 ants I could've bought with my $1500? That can ruin someone's life. Man, what a time to be alive.
10. Purchased 60 life-size cutouts of myself
What would I do with these you ask? Eh, I dunno, but even with my vast weed fortune, cloning myself was too expensive. I figured this was as close as I could get on a budget, and the pranking possibilities are nearly endless.
So what do you think? Would you give up weed for a bath in some bubbly or the opportunity to fill your roommates' underwear drawer with ants? Would you do something even crazier?