Cruz Acts Like A Big Fake Dick, But Doesn't Want You Masturbating With One
According to Cruz, the pursuit of happiness does NOT include you playing DJ in the privacy of your own bedroom.
Many of us didn't plan to wake up to the words "sex toy" in a political story, but this is the world we're living in. At this point, nothing about the 2016 presidential election surprises us.
While acting as Texas Solicitor General in 2004, Cruz defended a law criminalizing the sale of dildos.
Yep. At the time, companies selling or distributing sex products challenged a Texas law that banned the sale and promotion of "obscene devices." A person in violation of the law could do up to two years of jail time.
The case involved a Texas mom/in-home sex party saleswoman. Yes, exactly like those Pampered Chef Parties, but for sex toys.
The woman, who sold for Passion Parties , was arrested by two undercover cops for selling dildos, vibrators and other sex goodies at gal-pal parties. The plaintiff claimed that the law violated the people's right to privacy under the 14th Amendment.
But a federal judge ruled the Constitution does not protect the selling of sex toys. The plaintiff appealed, and in swooped Solicitor General Cruz.
In 2007, Cruz's legal team filed a brief calling the US Court of Appeals to uphold the lower court's decision and permit the law to stand.
The brief from Cruz and team noted, "The Texas Penal Code [hehe] prohibits the advertisement and sale of dildos, artificial vaginas, and other obscene devices" but does not "forbid the private use of such devices."
Essentially, Texans were free to use sex toys within their home, but they didn't have the right to buy them. Makes sense, right? The brief goes on to compare the use of sex toys to "hiring a willing prostitute or engaging in consensual bigamy." Clearly, these people are hiring the wrong prostitutes.
Then finally, there was this little note.
Bet ya never thought you'd read that sentence.
Despite Cruz's best efforts, the Court of Appeals told him and his cronies to get a clue.
The Court upheld the "right to be free from governmental intrusion regarding 'the most private human contact, sexual behavior,'" and added, "An individual who wants to legally use a safe sexual device during private intimate moments alone or with another is unable to legally purchase a device in Texas, which heavily burdens a constitutional right."
Whether or not Mazin's claim is actually true, it's still pretty funny.
Further evidence that points to Cruz being one big fart.