8 Freak Injuries That Will Make All Hypochondriacs Squirm

If you're anything like me, you're stricken with crushing anxiety and extreme fear 24 hours a day. Not generalized anxiety, like, "is my life going to work out?" or, "did I leave the stove on before I left the house this morning?" but rather like, "holy crap, what if I step on that manhole, it gives way and I fall 20 feet down and snap my fragile body in half?" I never step on manholes for this exact reason.

You might say I've got a touch of traumatophobia. At the very least, I'm more concerned about hurting myself than the average person. The injuries listed below, however, are so horrific that you don't need to be familiar with traumatophobia to totally freak out. The worst part is, they're not as uncommon as you might think. These injuries could actually happen to you.

Do NOT google this. If you wear a wedding ring or any other kind of ring, you're susceptible to ring avulsion. It occurs when your ring gets caught on the edge of something or in a piece of moving machinery. The ring twists, cutting and twisting your finger with it. Ouch. 

In its less severe form, some of your skin may rip off. In its most severe form, your finger could lose most of its blood supply, or could rip off entirely. In most severe cases, if the ring itself doesn't cut off your finger, the doctors will. This famously happened to Jimmy Fallon when he tripped and fell at a party, catching his ring on a countertop. Luckily, Fallon's super rich and could afford the surgery. And to think, if Fallon were poor like the rest of us, he'd have lost a finger. Then where would we get all our hilarious Neil Young guitar-playing impressions from?

Swooping magpie injuries are a real problem for cyclists in Australia—so much so, they have to wear goofy-looking, custom-designed helmets to prevent birds attacks. There's even an Australian website dedicated to magpie safety. Apparently, when casual bike riders come too close to a magpie's nest at springtime, the birds viciously defend their territory and offspring. They've been known to take out eyes and rip flesh from people's scalps. 

If you don't live in Australia, you don't have too much to worry about. But if you're one of the 24 million people who resides in the country, watch your back. There were more than 5,500 reported attacks in 2015—just imagine how large this number really is when you account for everyone too embarrassed to show up to the hospital in a stupid-looking helmet. 

As a man, this is something you don't even want to begin thinking about. Can you imagine anything worse than breaking your dick? 

I almost vomited when perusing the Wikipedia entry on penile fracture, which describes the injury as a "rupture of one or both of the tunica albugina, the fibrous coverings that envelop the penis's corpora cavernosa. It is caused by rapid blunt force to an erect penis, usually during vaginal intercourse, or aggressive masturbation." Basically, if you don't line it up just right, you can snap the veins in your dick. *actually vomits*

 Penile fracture most commonly occurs when the woman is on top, aka the "cowgirl" position, because the man isn't controlling the alignment of the penetration. Missionary is the safest position, because the dude's in control of the alignment. So if you're as traumatized by the thought of a broken cock as me, you'll keep your sex as vanilla as possible. 

Yep, even if you're a studious, careful indoorsy type, you can still hurt yourself. "Student elbow" is a type of bursitis—or pain accompanied by swelling—that is often a result of repeated tiny injuries to your elbow. The condition gets its nickname because it commonly happens to people who regularly lean their elbows on hard surfaces (e.g. students). 

You're not safe from anything in this world, not even from learning.

Again, this injury is a dude's worst nightmare. According to Wikipedia, testicular torsion occurs when "the spermatic cord (from which the testical is suspended) twists, cutting off the testicle's blood supply." It's characterized by extreme pain—so bad you'll experience nausea and vomiting—and probably feels like getting kicked in the balls repeatedly. But such is the result of having one's nuts twisted. 

The injury most often occurs during puberty, and can affect as many as .03% of men before age 25. The scariest part is, no one knows exactly what causes testicular torsion—it might be a genetic trait, it might not. 

The injury "often occurs several hours after vigorous activity, a minor injury to the testicles or sleep." Sleep??? Seriously??? I'm obviously never sleeping (or moving) ever again. 

Manhole injuries are actually a real problem all over the world. In New York City alone, there are about 2,100 manhole-related accidents per year, which range from people getting struck in the head by flying manhole covers, to people falling into loose manhole covers. We all know the streets of New York aren't exactly safe, but inanimate objects in the big apple trying to kill us? I don't see why anyone would ever go outside. 

For a comprehensive breakdown of manhole accidents, check out the OSHA website. Some of the accidents are just WTF. 

According to Wikipedia, "prolapse is a condition where organs, such as the uterus, fall down or slip out of place. It is used for organs protruding through the vagina or the rectum." Needless to say, it's extremely painful. Prolapse is the result of extreme sexual penetration, age/childbirth and reportedly can even be the result of shitting too hard.

Like most other unfortunate things in this twisted world of ours, prolapse is its own category. A rectal prolapse, specifically, is referred to colloquially as a "pink sock," as I think that image says it all. Don't google it.

A ruptured eardrum is an extremely devastating and painful injury. Like other horrifying conditions, ruptured eardrums can be occur as the result of both direct and indirect causes. Maybe you'll rupture your eardrum by trying to clean the wax out of your ear with a Q-tip or by a slap to the face that hits a little too close to your ear. Or maybe your eardrum will rupture all on its own from a run-of-the-mill ear infection. Remember how your parents always told you not to listen to your music too loudly? Well, they had a point, because too much volume in your earbuds can bust your eardrums, too. 

As a musician, this injury is particularly scary to me, as it can totally mess up your hearing. It's devastating to athletes as well, because it can cause permanent dizziness and balance problems. Moral of the story: go to a doctor asap if you think something's wrong with your ears, because everything is dangerous.

Basically, the whole world is out to hurt us, especially inanimate objects. Do yourself a favor and buy a suit of bubble wrap. You're going to need it.