This Is Not A Joke: There's A Cheese Burglar On The Loose In Colorado
No one can crack the case of the Colorado #CheeseMystery
Amber Tozer is a Los Angeles-based comedian and writer.
Tozer has written for MAD and Cartoon Network's "Morel Orel." She's also a bit of a web celebrity—she's got over 50K followers on Twitter and she founded the web series #nitTWITS.
Recently, though, Tozer's family has come to public attention for something that should be anything but comedic.
Tozer's mother owns the famous Do Drop Inn pizza restaurant in Pueblo, Colorado.
Recently, an employee was making some pizzas in the middle of the week when it was discovered the restaurant had run out of provolone. Someone had been stealing the cheese.
That's right, folks: THERE'S A CHEESE THIEF ON THE LOOSE IN PUEBLO, COLORADO.
If the thievery of dairy products doesn't make your blood boil, you should probably know that the thief isn't just some one-time criminal. The thief returned to the scene of the crime and stole again. In total, the thief stole nearly 2,000 pounds of cheese. Literally, ONE FUCKING TON of cheese. What's this world coming too? Our cheese isn't even safe in the comfort of our own restaurants.
Tozer, seemingly a bit shaken by the whole affair (though not without her comedic good spirits), has taken to Twitter document it.
Nothing brings a family together like a classic #CheeseMystery.
Though Tozer lives in LA, her sister has been keeping her updated on the cheese situation.
Tozer's asking the important questions here: Could there actually be a black market for cheese? I'd think yes. Where else do all those cheese thieves sling their stolen provolone, muenster and colby jack? More importantly, will the cheese thief in this particular instance ever be brought to justice?
Fortunately, security cameras at Do Drop Inn were able to capture this potato-quality image of the thief.
What does this tell us about the thief? Not much, other than that he's a light-skinned male with tattoos and little to no fashion sense. What's with those sneakers, bro? At any rate, at least we've narrowed the thief's identity down to hundreds of thousands of possible suspects, which is better than the "literally anyone" it could have been before the photo was captured.
Hey, everyone likes cheese. Maybe I'm the thief. You never know.
Tozer has been in constant contact with her sister over the last few weeks. Her sister seems to be quite the detective.
Looks like we've got a possible lead on the cheese burglar. "Smoked cheese" sounds pretty suspicious to me.
The whole ordeal is so disturbing, local news channels in Colorado got involved in the investigation.
Will we ever discover the identity of the provolone pincher? Hopefully. I just don't feel safe living in a world in which someone like that isn't brought to justice. For live updates on the cheese thievery, follow Amber Tozer on Twitter: @AmberTozer.