Literally The Dumbest Celebrity Cookbooks On The Shelves Right Now

But oh, how the (kitchen) tables have turned. Chefs who became famous for their cooking have been supplanted in Barnes & Noble's cookbook section by non-culinary celebs shamelessly attempting to parlay their cultural prominence (fleeting or otherwise) into, well, just another revenue stream. 

Here are the most head-scratching offerings from Barnes & Noble's cookbook table. 

I heard this one is actually really good I can't believe Kris Jenner cooks on a regular basis. If I had her money I would eat Chipotle for every meal and slowly transform into the Jabba the Hut I was BORN to be. But good for you, Kris! YOU WROTE A REAL BOOK! The only issue is that these are BIG-ASS PORTIONS, which makes sense because of her many children.

Most Kaloric Recipe: Shepherd's Pie-Stuffed Potatoes 

Remember when gluten free was all the rage? Just like Elisabeth Hasselbeck. This cookbook provided a basic explanation of the gluten-free lifestyle before Pinterest was able to do it for you. It also provided what I'm assuming is conservative propaganda ("gluten" stands for "liberals!").

Notable recipe: Penne and meatballs, because that's how basic this book is.

As a formerly-avid watcher of "Jon & Kate Plus Eight," I can hardly imagine that love is the secret ingredient. The woman ran that house like a Navy SEAL. And Kate stopped cooking after the show took off in Season 2, so what does she even know? Has she ever picked up a cookbook, ever? 

Then again, 8 kids is expensive, and mama's gotta pay the bills.

Most interesting recipe: Kate's Cheesy Bacon Surprise (On the show, she never let the kids eat those two things. The times, they are a-changin'!)

Not to be shady, but really? As a former fan of "Little People, Big World," I'm not sure why they would go with that title because they made SUCH a big deal about not wanting to be judged and how they didn't want to be called "short." 

What this book offers is a lot of basic recipes that have CLEARLY made-up family stories behind them. Really, Amy? Even your chili has a heartwarming memory attached?

Best recipe: Chicken Fingers and Melon, because what the actual sweet baby Jesus could that be.

Kelis is the star behind songs like "Milkshake" and "Bossy." TOTALLY qualified to write a cookbook, right?! The secret sauce behind Kelis' book is her ability to take a pretty basic recipe and then add one random-ass ingredient to make it *UNIQUE*. In this case, "unique" roughly translates to "American food with one sort of Asian recipe." The book gains points for its photogenic dishes, but loses because there are NO MILKSHAKE RECIPES.

Most unique recipe: Skillet Cornbread with Candied Ginger 

I want to like this one. Because I want to like Mayim. She's a neuroscientist and an actress! It's nice to see her friendly face championing the vegan movement. For her cookbook, she collaborated with a nutritionist, so you know all the recipes are healthy and backed by the wonders of science.

But unfortunately for Mayim, she's on "The Big Bang Theory," so I am compelled to hate her. 

Most delightful recipe: Chocolate Chip Pumpkin Cookies

The old saying goes, "Don't judge a book by its cover," but this looks like something a marginally-talented seventh grader would make in PixArt during computer class. If mashed potatoes and grilled tilapia are the best-looking recipes to put on the cover of your cookbook, you shouldn't be writing cookbooks. It goes without saying that the recipes are as basic as the cover. 

Notable recipe: Those mashed potatoes, because CHOP YOUR ROSEMARY, girl! I don't want to feel like I'm chewing on pine needles while I'm having a moment with my taters.

Mother of pearl, this guy makes Guy Fieri look like he wears a tuxedo to the beach. You probably don't know who Sammy Hagar is, but he was in Van Halen, and his other notable accomplishment is that he owns a tequila brand. His "spin" on a Bloody Mary is the same recipe and calling it a "Bloody Maria" WHOA SPANISH COOL. 

Most "fun" recipe: Basic-Ass Tomato Sauce, for its name alone.

Most of the Real Housewives are BARELY even celebrities, let alone chefs. The only exception is Teresa Giudice, who is always cooking on the show and has built her brand around it. Note to all other reality stars: If you're a reality star, STICK TO THAT. If I want an Italian cookbook, I will wander into a bookstore and buy one by Emeril.

Nope, nope, nope. I do not have $75 to spend on dinner for two or $50 to spend on your "Moon Juice moon dust" milkshakes. Also, the recipes are surprisingly basic. Gwynnie's cookbooks are hugely successful and not that great but we ALL want to look like Gwyneth so we just ignore that, I guess. 

Best recipe: NOOOOOOOPE

PATTIIIIIIIIIIII! The ONLY celebrity who should be a chef. She knows how to cook and she does SUCH a good job. She is the queen of soul and she puts all of that soul into the food.  

Best recipe: The Sweet Potato Pie. DUH.