Rip Your Butthole Open On A Pineapple, And More Fun Ways To Tackle Tax Season
Bad news: it's tax season. Good news: there is none.
1. Have a playlist queued up
Listening to a soundtrack of people screaming, being burned alive or running frantically from a murderer will do wonders to distract you from the horrific mess of filling out your return.
As an added bonus, listening to a recording of someone bound, covered in honey and eaten alive by ants will help you remember there are (slightly) worse things in life.
2. Find a nice place to sit, get comfortable and settle in
Preparing your taxes can be painful, but it's not nearly as painful as having your rectum ravished by a girthy pineapple. What better way to distract yourself from the pain in the ass of itemizing deductions than by literally giving yourself a pain in the ass?
Pull up your favorite chair, balance a hearty spiked fruit and plant your butt with gusto. Soon enough, those deductions will seem like a breeze.
3. Use fun-colored ink
Black and blue pens? Boring! Why not get a little crazy and go for red? Just give your finger a prick, and transfer necessary information from your W2 using your own blood. Bonus: the blood loss should give you a little buzz. Talk about a party!
4. Don't be afraid to take breaks, as needed
Feeling a little overwhelmed by all the fuzzy, bureaucratic jargon? There's no shame in taking a five, maybe 10 hour crying break from letting the government suckle from your monetary teat.
Yeah, the taxes aren't going to do themselves, but sobbing quietly in the corner of your living room while your son stares on frightened and confused might just give you the energy to attack that 1099-MISC with the fervor it deserves.
5. Wear a hat
First time filer in the state of Illinois or somewhere similar? Bad news, bucko. You've got to mail in that 1040, which is sure to be an enormous hassle if you've already started filing your federal returns on Turbo Tax. Good luck figuring that shit out. Nobody's going to help you.
Which is why you should wear a hat! It'll prevent you from actively pulling your hair out, for a few minutes at least. It'll also help stave off that "I'm so, so cold" chill sure to creep up your spine as you realize you're now a poorly functioning adult with no one to help you navigate the tax form labyrinth.
Plus, it's a super fun fashion accessory!
6. Grab a hearty snack
Trying to decipher your 1098-T from last year is going to take a very, very long time and you're probably going to get hungry between fits of frustration and self-loathing.
Grab the greasiest, most unhealthy thing you can find, shove it down your gullet and repeat until there's not a single unhealthy treat left in your pantry. It really doesn't matter anymore. Come on, do you really think you can figure this complicated mess on your own? The IRS is coming to get you. Just let yourself go.
7. Pour a glass of your favorite beverage
Congratulations! If you're finally done figuring out why you owe the goddamn federal government $3K, you've earned yourself a drink. Looks like you and your kid are going to survive on a steady diet of bullion cubes and cardboard for the next three months.
So you might as well staple a note to your son's collar and send him out in the street to play. Now it's time to pour yourself a tall, frosty glass of rat poison, polish that bad boy off and enjoy your final tax-free moments on earth.