12 Social Media Nightmares That Make Anxious People Want To Curl Into A Ball
Wait...I never made my Facebook notes from my angsty high school days private?!
It's Saturday night and you're vegging out in bed with leftover pizza. You get a Snapchat from your best friend Sadie and you open it, expecting another double chin selfie. HOLD UP—Is that Kelsey and Peter in the picture? Are they seriously at the sushi place you drunkenly made a pact to go to together? Why the fuck are they hanging out without you, and why would Sadie send you the Snap if she didn't want you to see it?
As much as you try to *shake it off* T-Swift style, the anxiety eats away at all rational thinking. Before long you've convinced yourself all of your closest friends are conspiring against you. This, my friends, is just one classic case of social media anxiety.
The ability to see every member of your social circle's every move at any given time and—what's even scarier—their ability to see every embarrassing thing YOU'RE doing with your life is G.D. stressful.
Luckily, we're in this together, so we might as well have a collective laugh about all the crazy shit we worry about on a day-to-day, selfie-to-selfie basis.
1. When you realize you weren't on a private Spotify session and now your Facebook friends know you listened to Matchbox 20's entire discography
It was 3am and you just saw your ex post a picture with his new beau so EVERYONE JUST LAY OFF, OK??
2. When you're stalking your hot coworker's Instagram and accidentally like his selfie from 74 weeks ago
OK but, let's still get married?
3. When a random person comments on your shit and you have to carefully craft how you're going to respond to them
So you shared an article about Justin Bieber's dreadlocks and your old high school locker buddy out of nowhere comments, "This is hilarious." Um, are you now obligated to send them a message asking them how they are? Or maybe liking their comment is enough? The whole thing is exhausting.
4. When you finally muster up the courage to watch your drunk Saturday night Snapchat story, only to find you snapped ALL of your contacts...including people you never talk to
You know the story: You end up at a 5am bar, complete with go-go dancers and stripper poles and you Snapchat your BFF dancing onstage...and oh wait, now you're dancing, too. Yup, there it is, documented for the world to see—what was hilarious at the time is #SoCringeworthy in the morning. Now everyone probably thinks you're an annoying drunk idiot.
*Crawls under the covers for life*
5. When you send your crush a subtle I-look-fucking-amazing-with-this-filter selfie and see that they opened it but haven't snapped you back
You spent all that time pep-talking yourself into actually sending the pic, only to see that the little pink Snapchat arrow isn't filled anymore and he opened it seven minutes ago. He might as well just sucker punch you in the gut. In fact, he probably doesn't like you anymore and you'll never speak again and that's that, you're a cat lady forever.
6. When you're Insta-stalking your ex's new girlfriend and every inch of your body tenses up, fearing she somehow just ~knows~ you're on there
These kiss-on-the-cheek pictures are trying way too hard to be cute. He doesn't even look that happy. And uh, by the way, 2013 called and it wants that peplum top back. OK, now I'm just being mean. Wait, how did I end up at the bottom of her feed? Can she see that I've been stalking her for the past 45 minutes?
*throws phone across the room*
7. When you post a status on FB about the cat you just adopted, and it's been ten minutes and no one has liked it
WHY DO PEOPLE NOT CARE ABOUT MR. PICKLES?? People love cats, right?! So maybe you fibbed a bit about playing with a lot of cats before finding ~the one~ because with Whiskers, you knew it was a match made in kitty heaven. Wait, do people think you're being ridiculous by calling him your son? You were only trying to be funny! Aaaand not even your creepy stalker from college has liked the photo yet. Fail.
8. When you run into someone you added on social media at Freshman Orientation, and you don't end up friends at all but somehow still know everything about her life
Of course you've been keeping tabs on what's going on in her life—she became a webcam girl and is always hosting sex toy parties that you're very much intrigued by. When you run into her, though, it's awkward AF and you have to either avoid eye contact or try not to ask her anything personal since ya know, you're up to speed already.
9. That awkward moment you realized people can actually see which Instagram photos you're liking
Ohhhh you mean, you saw that I went on a liking spree of all of Justin Bieber's shirtless selfies? Ummm, about that...
10. When you realize your "Notes" from high school weren't ever made private
OH. MY. GOD — behold your worst nightmare ever. It only took your best friend to drunkenly point out that they were stalking your Facebook and re-read "25 Things To Know About Julianne," which you wrote when you were going through some REAL ANGSTY TIMES. Now everyone can remind you that your love for Edward Cullen was the only thing that mattered in 2008.
11. When you comment on your new friend's status and think of something wittier to say literally 30 seconds after posting it
You and your friend from SoulCycle are just two steps away from securing new BFF status—so, naturally, the moment you post something #adorable on her status about you being *the same person,* you automatically remember an inside joke you could have used instead. You pray to God she still thinks you're funny and not that weirdo who follows her around at the gym and creeps on her social media.
12. When you attempt to post a *super cute* new profile picture and realize you accidentally uploaded the ugly selfie you sent to your BFF the other night
OH GOD. OH GOD. OH GOD. OH GOD. Uploading a picture you did NOT want the world to see is the most stressful thirty seconds of your life. You immediately delete, and then you're left with that awkward faceless picture, which is just letting your Facebook friends know you majorly screwed up or just turned into a socially inept loser. OK, phew... now the right picture is up, so everyone can see how beautiful you are. Wait, it's been two minutes and no likes?! I give up, social media.