14 Adult Things All 20-Somethings Wish They Didn't Have To Do Ever Again
Because being a YoPro means Netflixing and drinking an entire bottle of wine and not emerging until Sunday for a late lunch.
1. Going on bad dates on a weeknight
You've been out all night listening to this Bore Monster drone on and on about how he doesn't believe in recycling and the night has only just begun. You haven't been this bored since your 401(k) onboarding event. Except the HR manager didn't try to kiss you at the end.
2. Attending work happy hours
You love your coworkers, but when the free drinks run out, you grab your work wife—Elizabeth from accounting, duh—and bounce.
3. Making small talk with the overly friendly stranger on the bus
You're smiling, but all you can think is, "What is this sweaty hell? I have too many jackets on and your opinions on city planning are making matters worse."
4. Clubbing
It's a miracle you've even left the house, so the moment any unwanted hips start gyrating toward you, you're calling an Uber.
5. Having awkward political discussions
Your aunt says, "I'm voting for Trump because he says what's on his mind!" If you applied that same principle to your love life, you'd be dating your landlord.
6. Splitting the bill
Everyone around you is doing complicated math. You're just gonna lay down a $50 (i.e. this month's groceries) and let your boyf figure out how to split those goddamn brunch mimosas.
7. Explaining your singledom to prying aunts
If anyone asks why you're not married, you'll explain the meaning of "pearl necklace" at the next family dinner, in front of your young, impressionable cousins.
YOUR MOVE, AUNT LINDA.
8. Keeping drunk commitments
What the fuck is this calendar reminder for drinks at the Trump Tower?!
9. Going to housewarming parties
Either you spill food on yourself immediately or see someone you matched with on Tinder. Half your income is going to Uber, anyway—what's another $20 at this point?
10. Doing laundry
The laundry room is FOUR FLOORS DOWN, and you don't even have the upper body strength to carry that mountain of dirty underwear. How many promotions till you can afford a laundry service, again?
11. Showering
Society dictates that you not be a TOTAL mess, but why does showering have to happen every day? You get up early, yet you're still late for work. It's not fair. And it's not your fault.
12. Eating
You did this five hours ago. Now you have to find MORE food. When will science figure out how to keep us alive so we don't have to dig around our Herschel backpacks for stray almonds?
13. Sleeping
You never go to bed on time. And who could be bothered to turn the lights off at the end of the day when you can't even mop up the wine you just spilled on your bed?
14. Faking it
Face it: you're basically just two toddlers underneath a trench coat.