Twitter Is Going Bonkers Over The Ted Cruz Sex Scandal, And So Am I
*Allegedly* Cruz—defender of the holy institution of monogamous marriage in the U.S.—is quite the Casanova.
Senator Ted Cruz is in hot water for some alleged sex scandals.
The National Enquirer broke the alleged news with a typical headline: "SHOCKING CLAIMS: Pervy Ted Cruz Caught Cheating With 5 Secret Mistresses!" Damn, Ted. Five? Aren't you supposed to be a bastion of religious morality and marital monogamy for Republicans everywhere?
Okay, I can hear all of you saying it out there: "It's The National Enquirer. No fucking way that's true." But—and just hear me out on this—The Enquirer broke the news on John Edwards', Tiger Woods' and Jesse Jackson's affairs and were dead-on about all three. It's not outside the realm of possibility that they're right about this one, too.
According to The Enquirer, "Cruz's claimed mistresses include a foxy political consultant and a high-placed D.C. attorney!" It's all very exciting, but we don't know many details about Cruz's supposed mistresses yet. For now, though, Twitter is exploding over the news. As you can guess, people have tweeted some hilarious things about imagining Cruz as a player. Because it's fucking disgusting.
Why is it always the politicians who force family values down our throats who are the true scum? Like, your whole life is a lie, brah. Luckily, the Twitterverse is here to deal out some justice.
1. When Twitter users logged on and saw that #CruzSexScandal was trending, they were a bit shocked
2. Some people had high hopes that #CruzSexScandal didn't involve the Republican presidential candidate
Unfortunately, it's Ted all the way.
3. Some people reacted violently to the thought of Ted Cruz having extramarital relations with five women
4. Others were just depressed about the whole "affair"
5. Some people refused to believe Cruz could possibly be involved in a sex scandal
I mean, he's been a pretty busy guy. Especially when he was roaming around NoCal in the late 60s and early 70s.
6. Eventually, though, Twitter users just accepted the (alleged) fact. They then began to point out the real scandals—which included imagining Cruz's "O" face...
7. ...and the fact that he could actually convince a woman to sleep with him
8. But of course we've all seen politicians beat affairs. Just look at Bill Clinton. As long as Cruz keeps the real details under his hat, he's probably good
9. Of course, the #CruzSexScandal has caused some of Ted's opponents to second-guess their decisions
Spoke a lil' too soon, huh, Lil' Marco?
10. And Donald Trump might've felt a little threatened
People are saying the scandal was Trump's machination, but I think not. He couldn't stand thinking someone else had more sexual prowess than him.
11. I'm sure Ted's getting some support from others who have been in his situation
12. But we all know Cruz is going to have to start denying everything soon
I don't condone Trump support of any kind, but this is actually hilarious.
13. Though it probably won't do any good. He's going to end up sobbing, and it will be great
14. But just remember, if Cruz is the next POTUS, his wife has this to deal with