A Relationship Cleanse: 10 Toxic People You Should Purge From Your Life

The on-again, off-again ex is the absolute worst. You've held on to this relationship the idea of this relationship at least four times longer than you should have, because when you're apart, you only remember the good times you had apple picking or singing to the "RENT" soundtrack during your road trip. But then you conveniently forget about the times you sat in your shower crying into a bottle of wine after he stood you up on date night yet again. 

How to end it: Pull a Taylor and make a big deal (like a chart-topping song kind of a big deal) out of the official end of your relationship. Celebrate the end, and let everyone in your life know about it. You'll feel disinclined to get back together with your ex just to avoid looking like a big, guilty hypocrite.  

It may help to make a rather harsh list of all the reasons you shouldn't be with your ex. Refer back to it when you're feeling weak. This is a dagger right to the heart, but very effective. 

You want to like this friend, because she makes you feel needed. You feel like a sufficient, successful adult—someone who has her shit together and can offer assistance to those lesser half-adults who don't. But this assistance can get excessive fast. The favor-mooching friend is the person who "forgets" her wallet every time you go out but will totally Venmo you tomorrow for her 6 cocktails. You know this friend—she's the same one who buys the couch on Craigslist and schedules a pickup time before asking if she can borrow your car. 

Friendship should be a mutually beneficial setup—if you're the only person giving, you're going to run dry and become annoyed much faster than you'd think. 

How to end it: If you have to, start by flat-out refusing to help. Make up fake excuses: "I'm so sorry—I actually have plans that weekend, so you can't use my car to move." Your friend will figure something else out and hopefully become a more self-sufficient human in the process. Tough love, baby.  

We all know that sometimes a rant can be necessary and healing. But it's just common courtesy for your friend to avoid dumping ALL her shit on you. You are far too clued in to this friend's ongoing fight with her roommate about properly replacing the toilet paper roll, and how stressed she is about preparing for her upcoming vacation (yeah, we feel REAL bad for you). It's not that her problems aren't legitimate. It's just that she's a real downer because all she ever does is complain.

How to end it: This is one friendship for which there is some degree of hope. Get ready to have an honest discussion about how her tireless griping is affecting your relationship with her. If she's a reasonable human and a good enough friend, she'll probably be extremely embarrassed and have a major epiphany. But, if all hope is lost, just stop answering the phone to wean her off of your listening ear. 

This friend comes in handy when you need that extra nudge to leave your number for the cute server. On the flip side, though, she may pressure you into risky decisions, like taking five shots before a mutual friend's baby shower or dining and dashing after brunch. There's a difference between someone who gently helps you explore life outside your comfort zone and someone who convinces you to do things that make you genuinely uncomfortable. You shouldn't break into the campus gym to go skinny dipping if you don't want to! Who ever came up with the genius idea of jumping buck naked into cold-ass water , anyway?!

How to end it: Stand up for yourself and speak your mind. Try taking charge by suggesting alternatives for activities that you're interested in doing. If your friend loses interest in you because you're not blindly supporting her every whim, well: Are you really that worried about missing out on things you didn't want to do in the first place? 

This person is your default on a Saturday night when you ditched that Tinder date but you also want to feel wanted and get your body worked (because sometimes you just do). You know the sex won't be great, but it's still sex, so you go for it. But here's the thing: The next morning you immediately regret it. You don't want to tell your friends, so you meet them for brunch in your dress and heels and "discreetly" accept their compliments about how nice you look, especially next to the leggings and sweatshirts they're sporting.

How to end it: Change his name in your phone to something discouraging and recognize that you're above suffering through mediocre sex. Go out with your friends, get Tindering, and get yourself some good sex. Now's the time, twenty-somethings, now's the time. 

This friend is usually well-intentioned, but she's just the worst person to talk to. No matter what you say, she somehow finds a way to bring the focus back to her. This is basically every other conversation you have with her:

YOU: "I've had a rough week because I'm just getting over pneumonia and had to go back to the hospital on Monday." 

SHITTY FRIEND: "OMG I had a cold last week and I still have a runny nose and it's so annoying. I used a whole box of kleenex and had to walk all the way to Walgreens to get more." 

YOU: "Wow, yeah, that's such a drag..." 

Okay, so a) your thing is way worse than her thing. And b) she literally didn't even acknowledge that you were in the GD hospital. 

How to end it: Start making up random anecdotes about yourself and see how long she can last trying to one-up you, like SNL's Penelope. Okay, maybe don't do that. But it would probably be fun. 

This friend doles out many a backhanded compliment ("I wish I was confident enough to pull something like that off!" Translation: "I think your outfit is horrid and extremely trashy."). She also happens to run to her hot yoga class every morning and makes sure you know about it by bringing it up every time you talk. ("Sorry I'm late—I ran to hot yoga this morning and forgot my phone, so I had to run back home after work. It's 7 miles each way.") This friend is a classic Humble Bragger. 

To be clear, this friend is absolutely bringing these things up in conversation to make herself look better. This is the type of person who hangs out with people she thinks less attractive, so that she looks better in photos. This is a dick move and she sucks. 

How to end it: Stop politely accepting backhanded compliments. If you're feeling confrontational, call her out on her poorly-disguised shade-throwing. Worst case scenario, she gets mad and doesn't want to be your friend anymore. No, wait—that'd actually be a relief.

The clingy/needy friend is a sensitive and difficult case. Usually, this friend is super cool and a really, really good friend—like gives elaborate presents for every occasion, remembers every life event and is extremely supportive of everything you do. She makes you feel super cool because she always wants to be with you, but there's definitely an over-dependence here, too. She will never buy a new top without sending you photos of it from five different angles and waiting (impatiently) for your thoughtful opinions.

As time goes on, you notice that this friend is literally always with you or texting you, and if you mention other friends in front of her, she casts you hurt glances. And god forbid you tell her you can't hang out because you have plans with someone else. This friend is basically a leech, stealing your friendship-ability so you only have each other, and that's just super unhealthy. 

How to end it: Unfortunately, these types of friends usually have zero chill. Rather than being able to split time among friends, they cling to friendship until it inevitably deteriorates, and then they find a new one. If you can't be the friend anymore, accept that pulling back will probably mean they'll replace you with someone new. So be prepared for that, and proceed with caution.

When you run into this friend on the street, you both say, "Oh, hey! We have to get drinks soon." But neither of you means it at all, so eventually, after like four more run-ins, you do get drinks and you have nothing to talk about except work and the one class you had together in college or the one mutual friend you have from middle school orchestra. Both of you feel an inexplicable obligation to maintain the friendship, but really, you just want to leave and never see each other again. It's awkward.

How to end it: Next time you see this "friend" on the street, resist the urge to word vomit. Instead of ending the convo with "Let's get together!," opt for "It was great to run into you!" And then...(gasp) walk away! 

There's a difference between a friend's giddy, new-relationship bubble (which can be tolerated for a month, tops) and disappearing from the face of the earth—only to show up at your door eight months later with a box of tissues and three bottles of wine swearing she's "done with relationships." 

This friend, when she's in the bubble, also morphs into numbers 2 and 3 above—only calling when she needs a favor, or to vent. This is because she hasn't even farted in front of her new fling yet, so shit hasn't gotten real. So she dumps all her real-life drama on you. Also, this friend slides into #7 territory (humblebragging) and really enjoys telling her mom, "Yeah, Hannah is great, but yesterday Sam and I went to the Humane Society and we're actually thinking about getting a puppy!" 

How to end it: When this friend does come crawling back to you as a single, friendless sap, don't let her treat you like you're her filler friend, with whom she bides the time between romances. Sure, you two can hang out occasionally, but avoid being sucked into the do-everything-together friendship that will inevitably end as soon as her next fling starts.