From Play Dates To Snow Days, 12 Things You Loved As A Kid But Hate Now
It's amazing how time can give you a whole new perspective.
1. Halloween
Kid Me: I can't wait to put on the pumpkin costume my mom made out of a trash bag and then eat candy until I vomit!
Adult Me: I can't wait to put on the slutty pumpkin costume I bought at Ricky's and then drink UV Blue until I vomit!
2. Going to the pool
Kid Me: Today's agenda: play Marco Polo and sharks and minnows, jump off the diving boards, have a belly flop contest, go down the slides, and beg Mom for 75 cents so I can buy a Drumstick from the snack bar.
Adult Me: Today's agenda: Insert headphones. Attempt to block out kids' shouting and laughter with the soulful crooning of Drake. Fall asleep. Wake up in a pool of drool.
3. Bathing
Kid Me: Showers scare me, but bath time = PLAY TIME!!! The ideal water-to-toy-boat ratio is 1:10.
Adult Me: Fuck this, I don't have time to shower or sit in my own filth for twenty minutes. Dry shampoo and deodorant should do the trick. For the third day in a row.
4. Weekends
Kid Me: I love Saturdays!!! Dad makes pancakes shaped like Dora the Explorer, Kelly and I play Pretty Pretty Princess, and then we go in Kelly's treehouse. I wonder if Mom will let Kelly sleep over??
Adult Me: How long do I have to sit on the couch before it and my body merge into a single entity?
5. Movie theater popcorn
Kid Me: Gimme, gimme, GIMME!!!
Adult Me: Gimme, gimme, GIMMEE!!! No, wait, fuck, GET THAT SHIT AWAY FROM ME!! It's, like, an entire DAY'S worth of calories! I don't know what's scarier: movie theater popcorn, or Michael Bublé eating corn.
6. McDonald's
Kid Me: *every night* Can we get McDonald's for dinner?
Adult Me: *every night* Can we get Shake Shack for dinner?
7. Parades
Kid Me: Parades are the best! I get a butterfly painted on my cheek and then play with my friends... in the STREET.
Adult Me: I've been in the car for THREE HOURS, and I've only gone TWO MILES. Fuck this shit. I'm going home to do #5 and #7.
8. Snow
Kid Me: Snow day!!! Yessss! Let's build a snowman and make snow angels until our fingers go numb. Then we'll go inside to watch cartoons and drink hot chocolate!
Adult Me: I just wanted a warm body to snuggle up to, but Tim from Tinder didn't feel like "trekking across town in the cold." Guess I'll just watch "Steel Magnolias" and cry into my leftover Chinese.
9. Dolls
Kid Me: I already have Molly, Samantha, and Felicity, and their entire wardrobes and birthday collections. For Christmas, I'm asking for Addy, Kirsten, and Kit.
Adult Me: CREEPY. A.F.
10. Play dates
Kid Me: I can't wait for Nancy to come over! We're going to play dress-up with Mom's old dresses and call our crushes and hang up on them!
Adult Me: *makes plans three weeks in advance and prays the other person cancels before you have to*
11. Hearing an ice cream truck
Kid Me: *OMG need to have ice cream RN*
Adult Me: OMG I need to have ice cream RN, which I will accomplish while skillfully avoiding eye contact with the creepy driver.
12. Being far away from your parents
Kid Me: UGH, why won't my parents just go away already?! Everything they do embarrasses me. If Dad thinks I'm going to hug him good-bye when he drops me off at school, he's DEAD WRONG.
Adult Me: But...I don't want to go back to college/my other home! Can't I stay just one more day so we can order Chinese and have movie marathons together? You guys are my best friends!!!