My March Madness Picks Based On Anything But Basketball Skill: Round 1, Mascots
It's that time of year, folks: March Madness is upon us! If you know nothing about basketball, have no fear—you can still fill out a tournament bracket, based on stats that have nothing to do with actual skill! And if you feel so inspired, make your own unique bracket and enter it in my ESPN group.
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ROUND 1: When the court action bores you, watching the zany people dressed up as animals and/or objects makes the game much more fun. So, for the first round, here are my personal judgments on all 64 team mascots.
Kansas Jayhawk vs. Austin Peay Governor
Really, your mascot is an old man? That's just weird, Austin Peay State University.
Colorado Buffalo vs. UConn Husky
Just look at how cute that buffalo is. Also, the UConn husky looks like a dog crossed with a gym rat, and no one likes gym rats. Literally, no one.
Maryland Terrapin vs. South Dakota State Jackrabbit
Because WTF is a terrapin?
Cal Golden Bear vs. Hawai'i Rainbow Warrior
The Golden Bear's sweat band is everything.
Arizona Wildcat vs. Wichita State Shocker
That shocker is the stuff of nightmares.
Miami Ibis vs. Buffalo University Bull
An Ibis is just too weird to win, and that blue bull's nose ring is fierce AF.
Iowa Hawkeye vs. Temple Owls
In the battle of the birds, Iowa's hawkeye just looks like a weak guy in a baggy shirt. At least Temple's owl committed to the full-on animal suit.
Villanova Will D. Cat vs. Asheville Bulldog
That "Will D. Cat" thing is too much, Villanova. Go home.
Oregon Duck vs. Holy Cross Crusader
That duck clearly has moves, and also, who can say no to a beak like that?
Saint Joseph's Hawk vs. Cincinnati Bearcat
That hawk is making no attempt to hide his Nikes, and I'm not impressed.
Baylor "Judge" Bear vs. Yale Bulldog
The bulldog is well thought out, with defined muscles and everything. He'd take that bear right out.
Duke Blue Devil vs. UNCW Seahawk
This was a hard one, because I'm really not crazy about the seahawk. In the end, that Blue Devil's human face is just too weird to ignore. Also, goatees always lose.
Texas Longhorn vs. Northern Iowa Panther
That hat, tho.
Texas A&M Border Collie vs. Green Bay Phoenix
The phoenix doesn't have real eyes, and also can't compete against a real-life Border Collie.
VCU Ram vs. Oregon State Beaver
Though I have a lot of respect for any person confident enough to wear a beaver tail, that ram's horns are serious AF.
Oklahoma Sooner vs. CSU Bakersfield Roadrunner
Rowdy the Roadrunner is like a bad cross between a Sesame Street Muppet and a rejected Teletubby.
UNC Ram vs. Florida Gulf State University Eagle
Really, the eagle was fine—until those weird blue shoes happened.
USC's Tommy & Traveler vs. Providence Friar
First off, USC has not one, but two, mascots and also WTF IS THAT CREEP-ASS FRIAR?
Indiana "Hoosier" vs. Chattanooga Mockingjay
This is considered a default win, because even after all this time, Indiana still doesn't have a real mascot to speak of.
Kentucky Wildcat vs. Stony Brook Seawolf
Though I have no idea what, exactly, a Seawolf is, that one looks damn fierce. Whereas the wildcat looks like an overgrown Beanie Baby.
Notre Dame Irish vs. Michigan Wolverine
If Notre Dame is supposed to be the "Fighting Irish," why does that man look ridiculously chipper and completely nonthreatening? Even this baby wolverine could take that guy down.
West Virginia University Mountaineer vs. SF Austin Lumberjack
While both are pretty serious dudes, the Mountaineer committed hard with that coonskin hat. Gotta give him props for that.
Wisconsin Badger vs. Pittsburgh Panther
I respect that badger and his huge head, which must be pretty top-heavy...Xavier Musketeer/Blue Blob vs. Weber State Wildcat
Xavier Musketeer/Blue Blob vs. Weber State Wildcat
So, even though that blob is probably the weirdest mascot to ever exist, the Weber State wildcat is a combo of too realistic yet too fake for me to look at for very long.
University of Virginia Cavalier vs. Hampton University Pirate
While the pirate's getup (a T-shirt under a formal pirate jacket? really?) shows poor style, the Cavalier's silky suit is just...weird.
Texas Tech Masked Rider vs. Butler Bulldog
Butler has a succession of adorable bulldogs as their mascot, so how can you really expect a man with overpowering facial hair to compete with Trip (aka Blue the Third)?
Purdue Boilermaker vs. University of Arkansas - Little Rock Trojan
Neither option is really a clear win here, but that Boilermaker's face looks like a lot of plastic that'd definitely melt when making boilers, or whatever it is a Boilermaker does.
Iowa State Cardinal vs. Iona Gael
Mostly because I have no idea what a Gael is, and that guy does nothing to clear it up for me.
Seton Hall Pirate vs. Gonzaga Bulldog
The blue facial hair is much too off-putting for any serious consideration.
Utah Hawk vs. Fresno State Bulldog
That hawk is having just too good a time to lose.
Dayton Flyer vs. Syracuse Orange
I hate that man's eyewear, and also, an orange is just silly enough to be a winning mascot.
Michigan State's Sparty vs. Middle Tennessee Lightning
That horse with black-hole eyes is TERRIFYING.
Stay tuned for my Round 2 picks, coming soon!