Think Australia's A Cool Place? Here's 21 Things To Change Your Mind
There's a reason they call it "Down Under." Australia is Hell.
Before you ask: no, I've never been to Australia.
I know nothing about Australian people, their culture or their traditions. I know nothing about Australian geography or history (other than the fact the country was founded by criminals), but I'm completely, 100% comfortable making a sweeping judgement about the country/continent and all of its people based solely on some pictures I found on the Internet. And these pictures were found out of context, mind you. Here's my judgment: Australia sucks kangaroo ass.
1. When I say Australia is Hell, I mean that literally
Look at this godforsaken weather forecast. The whole continent is on fire. Coincidence, or is Australia quite sincerely Satan's playground?
2. Like, it's so fucking hot in Australia even your iPhone doesn't want any part of it
"Nope" -Siri
3. Which of course means sunburn is a very, very real thing
4. My God, if the sunburn alone doesn't make you afraid to step foot on that barren desert of a continent, you're insane
5. Dogs' spirits are crushed as well by the heat in Australia. Poor li'l guy. Time to get out of that terrible place
6. Nothing is safe from the abomination known as the Australian sunshine. Even inanimate objects whither up and die
Aussies just call these things "thongs" by the way, which led to several minutes of confusion in the writing of this article.
7. But good luck staying hydrated, mate, because water costs $7.00
And it's called "Pump." Ugh.
8. Aside from all the heat and sunburn stuff, they've got problems like this going on
This is just horrifying. I'll be inspecting the bowl from now on.
9. And it's a total fucking tragedy that I can't decide if this is worse or not
SPIDERS EVERYWHERE, I TELL YOU.
10. Really though, THEY HAVE GODDAMN SPIDERS THAT LOOK LIKE THIS
I thought I could hear you trying to argue against my anti-Australia rhetoric from behind your screen a moment ago. Not so talky now, are you? I told you, it's Hell.
11. And they've got some greedy-ass rodents
The lack of morals in the nocturnal creature population is just repulsive. They need possum reform!
12. Did I mention creepy AF bats?
13. The whole country is pretty much reminiscent of a Hitchcock film
THEY'RE AFTER US.
14. Actually, you're not safe anywhere in Australia
15. You're definitely not safe in your own car
16. You're not even safe from your fellow humans!
17. And don't even get me started on the beer prices
18. I don't know what "Streaky Bacon" is, but my gut tells me it belongs on this list
My gut also tells me that if I ate it, I would vomit up something equally streaky.
19. Anywhere this is a legitimate thing you have to look out for is a place I don't want to live
20. There are also bros doing this all over the damn place in Australia. Or at least that's what the Internet tells me
The Aussie Bro is a very particular breed, and are (allegedly) much worse than the North American Bro.
21. Perhaps worst of all: if you go even slightly off the beaten path, you have to wear a net on your stupid head, and you will look like a fool
BUT: Australia has these creatures called Tree Kangaroos
And they're so freaking cute and cuddly, that almost makes up for the Hellish heat and frightening (far less cute) creatures that Australia has. Almost.