26 Headlines That Prove the Onion is the Best At Explaining Life
by N/A, 9 years ago |
3 min read
"Hungover Man Horrified To Learn He Made Dozens Of Plans Last Night"
1. A step above FB official
2. Charlie Chunks!
3. Because every social gathering has to make you anxious somehow
4. Only way to beat the odds, ask incessantly if everything is okay
5. Too hipster to explain this to you
6. Embrace it, kid
7. "Teacher student ratio of 1-4? No that's not going to work for my Caden"
8. The agony of the holidays begin with this night
9. Smile, nod, eyebrow raise, repeat
10. Smile, nod, eyebrow raise, repeat (again)
11. Why yes, peers/Pitbull, I would love a shot
12. "Yeah, I understand. I mean, I don't understand, but I get it"
13. Sometimes reality is just too much
14. "Damn it, drunk me! I don't want to have brunch with Carol"
15. Keyword: pretending
16. "Boom, Jerry's dad, can YOU carry 12 chairs at once?" *drops all 12 chairs*
17. Masturdating* is a made up word
Masturdating: 1) the act of dating oneself 2) what people say they're doing when they are caught hanging out alone
18. "Yes, mom, I just changed my bank passwords last week."
20. Real life version of "Guy in Philosophy class" = Bill from HR
19. "Oh hey again, just needed to refresh my drink"
21. Make eye contact with the storyteller and you're IN
22. Like seriously, move on, everyone's aunt
23. Quick, excuse yourself to the bathroom
24. "Wow, he's really stuck, isn't he?"
25. "No, Dave, I didn't notice the office bought the Mayo with olive oil."
26. "1/4 of all fruit eaten is in the form of ACTUAL FRUIT"
✕
Do not show me this again