Airport Security Is Bad Enough, But These 18 Horrible Patdowns Are The Worst

by N/A, 10 years ago | 3 min read

The Transportation Security Administration: "Publicly depriving people of their dignity since 2001."

1. "Excuse me miss, I'm gonna need to live vicariously through you for a second. Can you step over here, please?"

2. "Woah woah woah slugger, hold on there. I haven't even gotten around to your front yet."

3. "Believe me miss, I enjoy this as little as you do...Okay, maybe you've got me beat, but still."

4. "If you so much as blink without me telling you to, I'm takin' you to interrogation. You hear me?"

5. "Is this a pushup? These are surprisingly firm. Where do you shop?"

6. "Ma'am, excuse me. I'm seeing the Blue Man Group tonight, and I need to get in the spirit."

7. "Ahhhhh no belt, huh? You tryina' tell me somethin' big boy?"

8. "I'm doing this for you and everyone else sir, not me. One could say, I'm just here to please."

9. "Ma'am, I need you stay calm. This is all procedural."

10. "Are you shaking? What, are you nervous? Rick, she's shaking. Let's take her to the back room for questioning."

11. "Sir, the chuckling under your breath will not make this go any faster."

12. "Ma'am, if this is going to work, I need you to look me in the eyes."

13. "Almost done publicly humiliating you ma'am, just a few more pat-downs."

14. "I'm hoping you're just really well endowed, because that looks awful suspicious."

15. "Big fan of your movies. Now show me what you're hiding."

16. "Move another hair and I will karate chop you in the sternum."

17. "Ma'am? Ma'am. I am no "bitch," and yes, I am serious. Now, I need you to take that lovely shirt off for me please."

18. "So, is it true what they say about you Wolverine boys? That you have huge fan pride?"