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Accio, conspiracy!

Everyone loves a royal drama and this one is royally dramatic. It has to do with the current reigning Kween of England — J.K. Rowling. In case you’ve been living under a rock since the mid 90s, J.K. Rowling is author of the wildly beloved “Harry Potter” series and all-around incredible writer.

Or is she? If you ask a few staunch conspirators she absolutely is not. She is merely an actress that has fooled us all.

Now, normally the job of a proper conspiracy-theory debunker like myself is to give you all the facts and let you draw your own conclusions. However, my chill level is in the negative right now and I have no patience for exactly two conspiracy theories: this one and the moon landing. I will not discount space exploration or the achievements of badass women. Not today, Satan.

That being said, let’s explore this conspiracy theory. Just like the astronauts absolutely explored the surface of the moon back in 1969.

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You’ve probably heard the story of J.K. Rowling coming up with the idea of Harry Potter while she was delayed on a train. She’d always wanted to be a writer, and at age 6 wrote her first book, named “Rabbit,” which was (surprise!) about a rabbit.

While I am sure “Rabbit” was an instant success, the “Harry Potter” series would take a little longer to bring to life. For 5 years after her train delay in 1990, J.K. Rowling worked through the ideas of the seven books of “Harry Potter,” mostly on scraps of paper. Finally, she put together three chapters of the first book and it was picked up by the publishing house Bloomsbury. The rest is wizarding history.

What a triumphant story! You couldn’t make this kind of thing up! Could you?

Absolutely not. Except, according to basically one crazy person on the internet, you could. The Norwegian film director Nina Grünfeld came out the gates back in 2005 with some nuts claims, like the one about J.K. Rowling being an actress paid to be the face of an entire enterprise of ghost writers.

Here’s Grünfeld now:

“Is it possible that a person can write six thick books that are translated into 55 languages and sell more than 250 million copies in less than 10 years? Is it probable that the stories then get filmed and commercially exploited to the degree seen here, without any well-thought-out strategy or highly professional players behind them?”

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Now in defense of Rita Skeeter, erm, Grünfeld. Book enterprises have been built by a group of ghost writers under the same pen name. Just look at “Nancy Drew” author Carolyn Keene, for example. Just kidding, you can’t look at her — she doesn’t exist. Carolyn Keene is merely the name used by many writers over the course of many years to create the “Nancy Drew” series. Because ghost writers believe in gender equality, the same goes for our dear “Hardy Boys.” Is your childhood ruined yet? Just wait. While “The Boxcar Children” and “Animorphs” were each started — and made largely popular — by one author, both series have since been taken over by ghost writers. Avada Kedavra, childhood.

So if we are to believe at this point that J.K. Rowling had as much to do with writing the “Harry Potter” series as the Pope, how is this being kept a secret? “I think the secret behind J.K. Rowling is guarded more strongly than the entrance to Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory,” sweet Grünfeld tells us. But once J.K. Rowling gets tired of acting like she wrote the series, this Scandinavian myth-maker says, the truth will be revealed.

If there’s anyone left in the world that believes this hogwash, I think you have to ask yourself one important question. If J.K. Rowling isn’t a creative genius — who is running the most epic Twitter account of all time?

Let’s recap really quick. One woman came forward to discount another woman’s achievements. How quaint. How modern. How brave!

As I said earlier, I am not a fan of this conspiracy theory. The only ghost writer in this story would be Nearly Headless Nick — if he went through a bad poetry phase.

I am one of millions of children that were effectively raised by JK Rowling, and ain’t no one talking shit about Mama.

‘Harry Potter’