A 15th century manual says witches collected phalluses. Hell yeah.

Men are so concerned with their penises. They grab themselves the second you approach it with a baseball bat. Just the sight of a raised knee sends them into a Michael Jackson-inspired moonwalk. These irrationally perceived penis threats have been happening for ages, and with far more ridiculous paranoia. None, however, top the myth of dick-robbing witches.

One of the first recorded penis panics occurred in the text, “Malleus Maleficarum” during the 15th Century. The book was a witch-hunting manual written by German Clergyman Heinrich Kramer. Although the literature is typically regarded as foolish and misogynist (and that would be true), it happened to result in brutal murders of many women accused of witchcraft.

In Malleus, Kramer describes several iterations of dick torture witches subscribed to—because women need options. According to the text, witches would make men’s dick’s invisible—using their magic, of course. Kramer accounted that they could, “take away the male organ, not indeed by despoiling the human body of it, but by concealing it with some glamour.”

The next mention of dick abuse is far more entertaining. Kramer claims witches kept disembodied penises as PETS. The witches stole penises, stored them in birds’ nests and kept them alive by “feeding” them oats and other grains.

Dose — Ines Vuckovic

“Witches […] collect male organs in great numbers, as many as 20 or 30 members together, and put them in a bird’s nest, or shut them in a box. They move themselves like living members and eat oats and corn, as has been seen by many,” Kramer wrote.

Hear that? Tons of people witnessed these dicks flopping around, chewing on an ear of corn or sucking down a bowl of porridge. What a time to be alive!

My two thoughts on dick pets:
1. Did these dicks have a digestive system?
2. Flashback to Ursula’s sad, phallic-looking eels.

The Little Mermaid

But that’s not all, folks! According to Kramer, witches would take pity on their victims from time to time. When one pathetic man asked a witch to return his strayed johnson, she told the man to, “climb a tree … and take which he liked out of a nest where there were several members … When he tried to take the big one, the witch said: ‘You must not take that one, because it belonged to a parish priest.’” Oh sure—hands off the priest peen.

Kramer writes, “All witchcraft comes from carnal lust, which in women is insatiable.” (Pah!) Listen, Kramer + co., witches [read:women] ain’t so bad. We generally don’t want to whack your wang with a bat, or keep a sack of dicks around for safe keeping. This penile paranoia has been going on for far too long. So, chill—my building doesn’t even allow pets.